


breathe with me

by thisaliennerd



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Ballet, Coming Out, Eating Disorders, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Getting Together, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relapsing, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28463142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisaliennerd/pseuds/thisaliennerd
Summary: Post-Sophomore Year, Aelwyn has to adjust to life at Mordred Manor and having freedom and a family again. In order to cope with the stress of rediscovering her morality, sexuality, and gender identity, she rekindles the love of ballet that she had been forced away from by her parents. However, this gets complicated when she attracts the attention of Sam Nightingale and is forced to reckon with her feelings getting in the way of her reforming morals and complex mental state.
Relationships: Aelwyn Abernant/Sam Nightingale
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27
Collections: Dimension 20 Big Bang





	breathe with me

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my incredible Big Bang partner, Elin! You can find her incredible comic panel at @percyjaxons on twitter
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy! It's got a lot of scary tags, but most of them are only referenced, and not very explicit.
> 
> All of Sam's text messages start with a dash: "-"

“Aelwyn, darling, come here for a second.”

“Yes, mummy!”

“These are for you! They’re ballet shoes. Your father and I are sending you and Adaine to dance classes.”

“They’re pretty!”

“Yes, they are. You have to take good care of them.”

“I will!”

“Good. You know, sweetheart, dance is very important in our culture, so you must act accordingly. And if Adaine acts inappropriately, I need you to tell us about it, alright?”

“Yes, mummy. I understand.”

“Good, I know you won’t disappoint me.”

~~~

Aelwyn Abernant is nineteen years old today. She’s been out of trance for hours, just staring at the ceiling, listening to Adaine sleeping in the bunk below her. It’s odd being nineteen considering that they don’t remember much of being eighteen. She was still seventeen when she was arrested, and now she’s nineteen. A few months of being eighteen. And now that’s over. 

Fuck.

The anxiety is rising in their chest, creeping up into their throat and wrapping around their diaphragm, constricting it. Aelwyn closes her eyes and tries to breathe steadily, but all she sees on the inside of her eyelids are gnarled branches, hellfire, and a bolt of blue lightning heading straight for her. 

They snap their eyes open and swing their legs over the side of the bed, nimbly dropping down to the floor, barely making a sound. Adaine is still asleep, seemingly undisturbed, and Aelwyn gently creeps out of the room. 

Aelwyn locks themself in the bathroom and stares at the mirror. The Aelwyn that looks back at them still looks foreign and wrong. The deep circles under her eyes and the hollows in her cheeks still haven’t left. She looks too thin and too tired and too sick. Their body feels foreign and hollow. Not that they’ve ever felt comfortable in their body, but now she’s fully divorced from it. There’s no ownership anymore. Years of strictly controlling every aspect of their body and physical appearance, only to have woken up one day in a completely different, destroyed body, stripped of all autonomy and even having her hair forcibly cut has completely severed their connection to the body they inhabit. 

Bile rises in the back of her throat as they pull their baggy shirt tight against her body. She drops the shirt, squeezing her eyes closed, and forcing down the bile again. They drop their head down and open their eyes. She splashes her face, the cold water anchoring them a little. She hears her mother’s voice yelling at Adaine to pull herself together. The scolding was never directed towards her, but it was always clear that the behaviors were unacceptable. Memory after memory of dissociation, panic attacks behind locked doors, and exhausted breakdowns at 3 am flash before their eyes. 

She needs a fucking drink. 

Deep breaths, Aelwyn. You can do this. For Adaine. 

Aelwyn’s secretly always hated their birthday. A quantitative reminder of their failure as a sister. A chill runs down their spine. For a second she thinks about just running away. Ignoring it all. Again. Escaping. But there’s nowhere to go. All their clothes are borrowed, even the shirt she’s wearing now is Ragh’s. They don’t have any money. It’s not worth it. 

There’s a knock on the door. Aelwyn jumps and hears herself respond in the falsely happy voice that they always used to use when talking to her parents, “I’ll be out in a minute!” They quickly try to look as fine as possible and swing the door open. 

Ragh, leaning against the wall, looks over at Aelwyn, smiling widely, “Hey, bro, happy birthday!”

Aelwyn feels themself relax as she sees Ragh, “Hey, thank you.”

Ragh studies Aelwyn’s face and body language for a second, his smile fades a little to something softer, “You want to go talk for a second?”

Aelwyn feels tears rising in her throat, it’s so much easier to hide this shit when people are mean. Fuck. They open their mouth to try and speak, but her eyes well up and they close it again. 

Ragh gently pulls Aelwyn into his room. “Hey, it’s ok. I know it must be hard. I’m here for you.”

Aelwyn pulls away, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I’m fine, I’m sorry.” 

Ragh doesn’t go closer or try to touch Aelwyn, but just stands still, hands open by his sides, “You’re always there for me. You always listen without judging me. I’ll do the same for you if you want.” 

Aelwyn backs into the wall, and as they hit it, sobs, and slides down the wall, burying her face in her knees. They feel Ragh slide down the wall next to her. 

“Some days make the memories worse, I get it.”

“No, but...I shouldn’t...it was always worse for Adaine on my birthday. I shouldn’t be the one upset.”

“Look, I’m not great with handling my emotions, but if there’s one thing I learned from Jawbone, it’s that your emotions are yours and you don’t have to earn them. But also, your parents treating Adaine worse on your birthday seems like something that would suck for you too.”

Aelwyn sniffs and looks at Ragh. “I guess.”

“Well, I hope you know that you’ve helped me a lot, and Adaine really loves you. No one is going to blame you for struggling. We’ve all got our own shit going on.”

Aelwyn slumps against Ragh’s shoulder, silent tears streaming down her face, “Yeah...I just...I hate myself.” A sob escapes at that admission, “I don’t deserve…”

Ragh gently puts his giant hand on Aelwyn’s knee, cutting them off, “I know how you feel, but no matter what you’ve done, you don’t deserve to feel like this. And what I’ve learned this year is that you shouldn’t hate yourself. ‘Cuz it only hurts you, and if you’re hurt you do shitty things to other people. You have to be on your own team. Because sometimes no one else is.”

“Yeah…” 

There’s a knock on the door and Fig calls out from the hallway, “Ragh? Do you know where Aelwyn is? Adaine’s looking for her.”

Ragh glances at Aelwyn and sighs, “Uh, no, but I saw her in the bathroom earlier, I think she’s around.”

“Ok, well if you see her…”

“Yup, I’ll let her know.” He calls back through the door. 

Fig’s footsteps retreat and Ragh nudges Aelwyn. “You good?”

“No.”

“Yeah, I figured.” 

Aelwyn smiles gently, “But I do feel better. Thank you.”

“Anytime.” Ragh gets up and then holds his hand out to Aelwyn. “I mean it, dude. Reformed Villain Squad for life, bro”

Aelwen sighs, wipes her eyes, and takes Ragh’s hand, letting him help them up. “I know, Ragh. Thank you.”

“Oh! Before you go!” Ragh runs over to his desk and picks up a gift bag. “My mom and I got you something too, but this one’s just from me. And I wanted to give it to you just the two of us, ‘cuz I know you haven’t really talked to anyone else about it yet, and it’s not much, but here.”

Aelwyn immediately gets extremely uncomfortable, “Oh, you didn’t have to…”

“I know, I wanted to. You’re my friend!” Ragh holds the bag out to Aelwyn. 

Aelwyn tentatively takes it, “Thank you.” She reaches into the bag and pulls out three shirts: a flannel button-down, a floral t-shirt button-down, and a plain grey t-shirt. The flannels and grey t-shirt are Ragh sized, and the floral shirt is a few sizes smaller, still oversized on Aelwyn, but a bit more fitted. 

Aelwyn looks down at the shirts in their hands and feels tears start welling up again. God, she used to be so good at bottling this shit up. What happened? They look back up, “Oh...Ragh, thank you so much. You didn’t have to…”

“Bro! Stop it! I wanted to get you clothes that are yours and that you can wear when you’re having bad ed days or dysphoria or whatever.”

“I…” Aelwyn gives up trying to speak and just hugs Ragh tightly.

“Happy birthday.”

Aelwyn pulls back, nodding and wiping her eyes. “I have to go, Adaine will start worrying, but truly thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Aelwyn heads back up to their room, Adaine’s gone now, her bed made, a dream journal on her bedside table.

Aelwyn heads over to the mostly empty dresser. It’s a lot of borrowed clothes from Adaine, some stuff she managed to pull out of her jacket, but also some stuff borrowed from Fig and Sandra Lynn. Kristen had offered some tie-dye shirts, but they were all emblazoned with various religious symbols and slogans, so she turned those down. Regardless, these are some of the first clothes that are really theirs in a long time, and they’re very different than the clothes of their past. 

She doesn’t put one of the shirts on though, instead, they put on a pair of high-waisted mom jeans and a large Fig and the Sig Figs shirt that she’d cut into a crop top. They pull their hair, which hits just below her shoulder blades, into a high ponytail, and puts on some light makeup to hide the struggles of the morning. 

The dread in the pit of their stomach mixes with the anxious constriction of her diaphragm, but she puts on her bland happy face and they head downstairs via a secret passage. The last thing she needs is to run into Sandra Lynn on the staircase. That woman always sees right through them. 

As Aelwyn reaches the end of the hidden passage by the kitchen, the distinct smell of burnt cake and the sound of yelling teenagers waft through the wall towards her. 

“Shhhh! She’s going to hear us!” Adaine’s voice hisses.

“How is that the biggest problem right now?” Kristen asks, exasperatedly.

Fig’s voice cuts in, rather frantically, “Everything is fucking fine!”

Kristen snorts, “Is it Fig? Because I’m looking at a true atrocity.”

“It’s fine! Adaine, back me up!” Fig’s voice is rising in pitch. 

“Maybe it’ll taste better than it looks?” Adaine says, doubtfully.

“Oh yeah,” Kristen says sarcastically, “I’m sure the burnt cake’ll taste way better than it looks.”

“Ok! Don’t be spiteful!” Fig cries, offended.

“I’m not!” Kristen laughs.

“Shhh! We can’t give this to her…” Adaine says dejectedly.

“Why not?” Fig’s voice asks, seemingly completely genuinely.

“Fig.” Adaine deadpans. 

“Ever heard of “it’s the thought that counts”, Adaine?” Fig argues. 

“I don’t think that’s…” Adaine trails off.

“Ignore Fig, maybe just scrap the cake,” Kristen says, laughing a little, “Like you’ve done a bunch of stuff, I feel like she’s not gonna be upset about a cake.” 

Aelwyn sighs, “I know, but this isn’t...I made this. It’s different.”

“You can’t cook, though,” Kristen says, clearly trying to restrain her laughter. “Also, you helped make the room with Jawbone.” 

“I guess, it’s just…” Adaine takes a deep breath, “Birthdays are complicated for us, and I didn’t want it to seem like I’m trying to buy her love.” 

“I don’t think she’ll think that,” Fig says gently, abandoning her adversarial attitude temporarily.

Aelwyn hears someone walk down the staircase, and Tracker’s voice joins the conversation, “Holy shit, that is the ugliest cake I’ve ever seen.”

“Babe…” Kristen groans. 

“Adaine, no, wait, it really isn’t that bad! I think she’ll like it!” Fig cries.

“No, it’s so bad...I shouldn’t have…” Adaine says quietly. 

“Oh God, I’m so sorry, is this for Aelwyn?” Tracker asks, mortified. 

Adaine sighs again, “No, Kristen’s right, let’s scrap it.” 

“Hey, no, I’m sure it’s fine.” There’s a pause and then Tracker continues, “Oh! Ayda wanted to see you, by the way. She’s in Ragh’s room.”

“Ok, but if Aelwyn comes down...” Adaine says, sounding a little less dejected. 

“Yup!” Fig says happily. 

“Of course.” Tracker says gently.

Adaine’s footsteps exit the room. 

“Oh, fuck, I feel bad now.” Tracker groans, their voice muffled slightly as if they’ve buried their head in their arms or Kristen's shoulder. 

“Fig, have you ever not burned something you were trying to make?” Kristen asks, completely ignoring Tracker. 

“Of course I have!” Fig gasps, offended. 

Kristen laughs, “Yeah? Name one time that happened.” 

There’s a long pause and then Fig’s voice resumes, “...ok, so maybe I haven’t, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try.” 

“I’m honestly starting to think it’s an archdevil thing. Like she hasn’t nailed it once.” Kristen says lightheartedly.

“It’s not even nailing it, though, like I feel like I’ve never seen her undercook anything.” Tracker says, rejoining the conversation.

“No, that’s the thing! It’s always burning it! Do you think it could be related to your position or dad? Because he’s the Insatiable?” Kristen says seriously. 

“What?! It’s not an archdevil thing!” Fig cries.

“Yeah, babe, I think she just can’t cook.” Tracker laughs a little. 

“Right, but what if it’s because she’s an archdevil?” Kristen says excitedly.

“No, I really don’t...it’s not like Adaine’s got a lot of cooking experience. I feel like if you helped, this wouldn’t be a problem.” Tracker says, still choking back laughter. 

“Mmmm...or it could be a demonic curse.” 

“We’re devils, not demons, Kristen,” Fig says, her eye roll audible. 

“Ok, I’m sor-”

Before Kristen can finish, two sets of footsteps, one heavy, one light, accompanied by the clicking of talons enter the room, and Adaine’s voice returns, “I know it’s bad, we burnt it, and then we tried to ice it, but the icing melted, and-”

“Whoa, woah, woah, chill out, bro! It’s not that bad.” Ragh’s voice joins the group. 

“Ragh…” Adaine sounds on the verge of tears. 

“No, I think she’ll like it. It’s the thought that counts, anyway.” Ragh’s voice sounds like a hug. 

“That’s what I said!” Fig cries, almost outraged. 

“Yeah, I mean I’d say if you have to worry about anyone, it’s Sandra Lynn.” Ragh pauses, suppressing a chuckle, “It’s kinda a mess in here, but like nah, I think Aelwyn will appreciate the gesture.”

“Oh shit, do you think I’ll get in trouble for it being messy too?” Kristen says, sounding so concerned. 

“Kristen, babe…” Tracker sighs exasperatedly. 

“What?! Sandra Lynn always blames me for this stuff!” Kristen cries. 

“I know, but that’s really not the important part.” 

“We should clean up.” Fig cuts in. 

“Yeah,” Aelwyn hears the sink turn on and dishes clanking. “Do you think she’ll come down soon?” Adaine asks. 

“Yeah, I saw her earlier, and I thought she was going to head down,” Ragh affirms. 

Aelwyn creeps back up the corridor, pausing at the door that leads to the top of the stairway. They pause in the passageway, as she hears Sandra Lynn and Jawbone heading downstairs. She waits for a second after they’ve gone, leaning their forehead against the wall, mentally preparing for the birthday celebration that she hadn’t anticipated. 

Well, at least they had a warning now. 

Finally, when she can hear everyone downstairs and that the hallways are empty, Aelwyn slinks out of the passageway, takes a deep breath, and walks downstairs. 

The kitchen is packed, everyone in the house, including Ayda, have gathered in the kitchen. Most people are gathered around the island and table drinking coffee while Fig and Adaine wash dishes and Jawbone cooks scrambled eggs. Everyone is laughing and talking, and Aelwyn feels her fight or flight kick in as they fight against all the voices in her head screaming that she isn’t wanted here. Luckily for them, they’ve been fighting the urge to put physical distance in between her and uncomfortable situations her whole life. Unfortunately, their solution is usually to stand as still as possible and dissociate, mentally putting distance between herself and the situation, and even worse, at least two people in this room are very good at recognizing when she’s dissociating. 

Getting better is uncomfortable. Breathe. Stay here. No one is going to hurt you. You can do this.

“Aelwyn!” Adaine’s voice snaps Aelwyn back into themself, and she sees their baby sister put down the bowl she was washing and skip over to her, beaming. “Happy birthday!”

Aelwyn pulls a breath from the bottom of her lungs and smiles. Adaine looks so genuinely happy, it almost doesn’t feel forced. 

“Thank you.”

“Ok, I know it’s early, but we made a cake for you, and it’s bad, and you don’t have to eat it, but Fig and I made it, and also we have presents if you want to open them.”

“I…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to put you on the spot.”

“No, thank you. That’s...really sweet.” 

Jawbone put his hand on Aelwyn’s shoulder “How’re you feeling, kiddo? You up for presents?” 

Aelwyn briefly considers teleporting away, but no. She’s gotta stick this one out. Might as well get it over with while we’re at it. 

“Oh, um, sure. But you really shouldn’t have.”

Sandra Lynn, who looks truly so exhausted, takes a sip of her coffee and looks at Aelwyn, “Well, we wanted to. Don’t worry about it. And actually, if you’re down,” She pulls out a long, thin box and puts it in front of Aelwyn. “This is from Jawbone and me.”

Lydia also puts down a box on the table. “And this is from me and Ragh. 

Aelwyn stares blankly at the boxes and back up at the circle of people around her. “I...um. I don’t know what to say…’

Jawbone squeezes Aelwyn’s shoulder again, smiling at them gently, “You don’t have to say anything. We aren’t expecting some kind of grand speech. Remember, gifts are given without expectation of anything in return, right? But you also don’t have to open them here if you don’t want to.”

Aelwyn nods, trying to hide her embarrassment.

God damn it. This is so fucking awkward. Just get it over with, bitch! Then you can fuck off and everyone will stop caring about you so loudly.

…

or...conversely, you might start crying or some shit and then that’s just going to make this so much worse...

fuck 

“Right, yeah. I’m fine. So…” Aelwyn sighs and picks up Jawbone and Sandra Lynn’s box. Their fingers are shaking slightly, but she slides them under the edges of the paper, instinctively being careful not to tear the paper.

A couple of giggles immediately arose from the bad kids and even a hushed, “ohmygod” from Fig, and Aelwyn snaps their head up.

“It’s not just you!” Kristen grins over at Adaine.

“I didn’t know other people actually did that.” Fig laughs. 

“Saving the paper is normal, guys! It’s nice paper!” Adaine cries, outraged. 

Aelwyn smiles a little and discards the paper, opening the long, thin box. As soon as she sees the contents of the box, they gasp and clap their hand over her mouth, looking up at Jawbone and Sandra Lynn in shock. 

“Pointe shoes? But...how?”

“Well, kiddo, we certainly didn’t come up with it on our own. We had some help.” Jawbone looks over at Adaine. 

Adaine smiles awkwardly at Aelwyn, “Um, so I know it’s been a while since you’ve danced, and I don’t know why you stopped, but I remember that you used to love it, and I always loved watching you, so I thought you might...want to get back into it?”

Oh God.

Aelwyn bursts into tears. 

Adaine’s eyes widen, “Oh, um, I’m sorry?”

Sandra Lynn holds up her hand to Adaine, “Hold up.”

In between sobs, Aelwyn gasps, “Thank you so much.”

“There it is.” Sandra Lynn smiles.

“I’m sorry.” Aelwyn gasps. 

“Hey now,” Jawbone interrupts them gently, “Don’t apologize for expressing your emotions.” Jawbone turns to address the rest of the group, “There’s nothing wrong with crying.”

Aelwyn nods tearfully, “Yeah, I know. Thank you.”

Tracker interrupts hesitantly, awkwardly raising their hand, “Um, do you want us to just tell you what we got you?”

“Huh?” Aelwyn sniffed, wiping their eyes. 

Tracker shrugs, “Well you seem kinda overwhelmed, so we could tell you what we got you, and then you could open them on your own later.”

“Yoooo, that’s such a good idea, bro.” Ragh grins, holding out a fist to Tracker.

“Thanks, Ragh.” Tracker laughs, fist-bumping Ragh. 

Aelwyn nods slowly, “Um, yeah, I do think that might be helpful.”

“Right, well, I’ll just go ahead then,” Lydia smiles and taps the box in front of her, “These are flat shoes, hon.”

“Thank you so much, Lydia” 

Lydia grins warmly, “Of course, darlin’. Happy Birthday.”

“And we all got you dance clothes!” Fig jumped in excitedly, “I got you this really pretty leotard, Adaine helped me pick it out, it’s blue!”

“Wow, I don’t—I mean, thank you all.” 

Adaine pipes up again, “I have one more thing for you if you want to see it.”

Aelwyn nods, “Ok.”

Adaine grabs Aelwyn’s hand, “You have to come with me, though. 

Adaine leads Aelwyn to a small office in the back of the Manor. “Ok, so I figured if you wanted to get back into dance, you’d need a place to practice, so Jawbone helped me renovate this room. It’s kinda small, but…” 

Adaine opens the door, and Adaine takes a step inside. The room is only about 100 square feet, but it’s beautiful. It has high ceilings with a large skylight, one wall is covered in tall mirrors, and mounted on the opposite wall is a smooth wooden barre. The hardwood floor is shiny but seems to have been magically treated so it isn’t slippery. In the corner is a small speaker on some storage cabinets. 

Aelwyn covers her mouth again, totally overwhelmed by the studio.

“We did some noise canceling on the walls too, so—” 

Aelwyn cuts their sister off with a tight hug, “Thank you, Adaine.”

“When you danced, it was like we had a truce. Those memories of watching you dance are my happiest ones, I want to build more memories like that with you.”

Aelwyn nods, but before she can respond, Fig sticks her head around the corner, “Hey Adaine? I don’t want to rush you, but Gorgug just texted me. He and Zelda are going to be here soon. 

"Right! Ok!" She looks back at Aelwyn. 

Aelwyn smiles, "Let's go, I have to break in my shoes before I can get dancing anyway."

They head back to the kitchen, and as Aelwyn grabbed her gifts to take upstairs, Fig excitedly launched into party planning mode. “Ok! So, I know the boys and Zelda aren’t here yet, but we can fill them in when they get here! We’ve got the music covered, obviously, but we should focus on decorations and food!”

“Aelwyn, are you coming?” Kristen asked. 

“Oh, you should totally come! Ayda’s coming over.” Fig smiles widely at Aelwyn.

Aelwyn frowns slightly, “Um, isn’t this a party for Zelda and her friends?”

“Yeah.” Adaine nods.

“Mmmm, I think I’ll just stay in my room, but thank you.”

Fig furrows her brow, “Wait, why?” 

Aelwyn snorts, “Look, I appreciate you guys trying to include me in things, but it’s barely been a year since I put Ostentatia and Zelda in those palimpsests, and I was actively conspiring in a plot that had some of those girls in crystals for over a year. You guys are very understanding, and I can’t thank you enough, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Have fun.” 

Aelwyn scoops up their gifts and heads up to her room to break in their shoes. 

~~~

The Maidens!!!💅🏼❤️  
3:18 PM

Antiope 🐺:  
When are y’all heading to the party?  
\- 6pm i think  
Antiope 🐺:  
👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿  
Ostentatia 💎:  
is you know who going to be there  
\- omg we can say her name we’re not 6  
\- i mean probably…its at her house  
Zelda 🤘🎧:  
no she’s not  
im pretty sure  
she’ll probably be in the house or whatever but she’s  
not coming to the party  
\- y not  
Zelda 🤘🎧:  
she doesn’t want to make us ✨ uncomfortable ✨  
or something  
Ostentatia 💎:  
🙄  
\- thats nice of her tho  
Ostentatia 💎:  
ok sam sure

~~~

Sam sighs, staring deep into her closet, “I don’t know, guys.”

“You have great style Sam, you’re just weirdly stressed about this.”

Sam rolls her eyes, “I’m not stressed, I just don’t know what to wear.”

“You’re definitely stressed, but look at how many cool clothes you have!” Penny holds up a vintage mini dress. “You should definitely wear one of these.”

“Hmm, what about this?” Sam holds up a green corduroy overall dress.

Penny gasps, “Oh, that’s perfect, Sam!”

Sam frowns at the dress, “I never wear it, but it is cute. What should I put under it?”

“Definitely long sleeves.” Antiope starts sifting through Sam’s hangers in her closet, “Do you have one of those sheer shirts with embroidery?”

“Or a turtleneck?” Penny asks.

Sam nods, “Yeah, I’ve got both,” She pulls out a sheer navy top with stars all over it, “But this one doesn’t look great under this dress.”

Penny starts haphazardly opening drawers in Sam’s dresser, “What color turtlenecks do you have?”

Sam pushes Penny away, closing the drawers that Penny was opening, opens the right drawer, and starts throwing turtlenecks onto her bed, “Black, white, pink, navy, and yellow.”

Penny excitedly hops over to the bed and picks up the yellow sweater, “Oh, go yellow!”

Antiope raises an eyebrow and picks up the navy one, “No, I think go navy.”

“No, no, listen, the yellow is bold, and this green is more yellow than blue anyway.” Penny holds up the yellow by the dress. 

Sam frowns, “I don’t know…”

Antiope sighs, holds the navy by the dress, and then throws it down onto the bed, “No, you know what, I think I agree with Penny, actually.”

Penny claps excitedly, “See! Go for it, Sam.”

Sam laughs, “Ok, fine! I’ll do it!” She shoves her friends towards the door, “Now get out of here so I can change.”

Penny and Antiope clear out of the room and Sam quickly pulls on the shirt and dress. As she sits down on her bed to tie her shoes, she hears Antiope and Penny chatting about the party through the door.

“Well, don’t ask Ostentatia.” Penny says in a somewhat hushed tone, as if trying to prevent Sam from hearing her. 

“Why? Because she’s being weird about—” Antiope trails off and Penny jumps in, finishing the sentence. 

“Aelwyn? Yeah.”

“I’ll just ask Danielle.” Antiope’s fingernails tap on her crystal, “Don’t you get it though?” 

“I mean of course, but she’s just not even budging a little.”

“But if Penelope was there, wouldn’t that bother you?”

Penny pauses for a second, and then cautiously responds, “Maybe, but maybe not. I definitely don’t think I would fully write her off if she was making an effort to change like Aelwyn clearly is.” There’s a pause, “Don’t you agree? We’re teenagers, don’t you think we all have the capacity to change? I totally get where she’s coming from, but Aelwyn—she apologized to you right?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure she has to all of us at this point.”

“It was really nice. It felt super genuine to me, and I thought it was good.”

“Yeah, same.”

“But I also don’t want to act like Ostentatia HAS to forgive her, because obviously she doesn’t, I just think it’s a little more grey than she acts like it is.”

“Mmm.” Antiope makes a small sound of affirmation. 

After the briefest of pauses, Penny calls through the door, “Hey Sam! What is taking you so long!”

Sam laughs and stands up, smoothing her dress out in the mirror. Do these colors even look good together? Or on her? It’s too late to change now, we’re already behind schedule, “I’m done, I’m done!” she calls through the door, before stepping out to face her friends, “What do you think?” She does a little twirl for them, anxiously shuffling her feet. 

Penny gasps excitedly, “Oh! I love it!”

Antiope smiles, “Fun!”

Sam raises an eyebrow, “You think? It’s not weird? I’m not sure yellow’s my color…”

“No! It looks great!” Penny exclaims excitedly. 

“Yeah, you look great, chill out.” Antiope smiles wryly and then claps her hands, standing up swiftly, “We should get going though, we’re gonna be so late.”

“Yes! Let’s go!” Sam grabs her keys and the three girls rush out the door. 

Sam pulls up outside Mordred, her little car sputtering with the effort of driving up the hill.The other girls jump out of the car, and Penny starts heading up to the house. Antiope leans against the car, waiting for Sam. Sam takes a deep breath, resting her head against the steering wheel for a second. Then with a final exhale, she opens her door and steps out of the car. 

Antiope arches an eyebrow at Sam, “You seem awfully nervous.” 

Sam feels a blush rising in her cheeks but she laughs lightly trying to play it off, “What?”

“You’re all jittery.” She watches Sam walk around the car with a slight smile, “It doesn’t have anything to do with she-who-we’re-not-supposed-to-talk-about?”

Sam links arms with Antiope, and the two of them head after Penny, “Mmm, well I don’t know who that is,” Antiope snorts and rolls her eyes, “But!” Sam pushes on, “If there was someone here who, hypothetically, was making me nervous, that wouldn’t really be any of your business, would it?”

“I don’t know, you’re my friend. It’s kinda my job to pester you about your crushes. And your first crush post-coming out is a big deal.” 

“It’s not a crush. I’ve barely had two conversations with her.”

“But she’s kinda hot, isn’t she?”

Sam gasps, “Oh my god, shut up.”

Antiope laughs, “She is! Nothing wrong with admitting that!”

“I hate you so much.” 

“C’mon.” Antiope nods at Penny as she reaches the house. 

The two of them pick up the pace as they head up to the house. The garage door is open and the Sig Figs and rowdy laughter waft down the driveway. Purple fairy lights, multicolored lamps, and a neon Fig and the Sig Figs sign cast warm colored light into the room. The band is jamming away in the back of the garage while people are milling around patterned beanbags and a ratty couch with red solo cups. As they approach the garage, Danielle hops up from the couch and gives the two of them a big hug. 

“Hey! It’s so good to see you two!” She pulls away, keeping her hands on Sam’s arms, “Especially you! I haven’t seen you all week!”

Sam sighs, “I know, I’m sorry! Finals.”

“I hear that. At least you’re done now! Graduated!” Danielle smiles and slides her hands down Sam’s arms, squeezing her hands before dropping them. 

Sam grins, “I know! Finally!”

Danielle laughs and plops back down onto the couch, draping her arm across Ostentatia’s shoulders. 

“There’s food and stuff inside if you’re hungry.” Ostentatia offers.

“Yeah, are Ragh and Tracker in there too? I want to ask them about their big mission.” 

Danielle nods, “Yeah, they’re in there somewhere.” 

“Cool, I’ll catch y’all later!”

Sam heads into the house, the music continues pumping through the house if a little less mind-numbingly so. It doesn’t require screaming to have conversations, so people are standing in small groups talking. As she walks in, Ragh calls out excitedly, “Ey! Sam!” He beckons her over. Sam grins and heads over to him.

“Hey guys!”

“Hi Sam.” Tracker grins, “How does it feel to be free?”

Sam smiles, “Oh my god, so good. I know it wasn’t really repeating the year because I barely got started last year, but my senioritis was definitely ten times worse than everyone else’s.”

“I don’t know, man. I feel like I’ve got you beat.” Ragh punches Sam’s shoulder lightly. 

“You wish!” Sam laughs.

“So, Sam, any plans for next year?” Zayn asks

“Not really. I don’t think I’m ready for college and I don’t really know what I want to do so I think I’m just going to take a gap year and try to figure my shit out.” 

“Well you’ve got plenty of time, Aelwyn’s doing that too.”

“Yeah, and she’s even older than you!”

Sam laughs, “Where is Aelwyn?”

Ragh sighs, “She didn’t want to intrude.”

“I think she should have just said fuck it, but I get it.” Tracker holds their hands up, “She’s nice like that. Everyone thinks she’s a bitch, and she is, but she's also really sweet and a good friend.”

Zayn nods, “Yeah, she’s the kind of friend who would literally murder anyone who’s mean to you. It’s great.” 

Sam smiles, “I feel like I should apologize to her for my friends.”

Ragh waves a hand, “Oh no, she doesn’t hold it against you guys.”

Sam shakes her head, “Still, I feel bad.” 

“Seriously, don’t.” Tracker puts a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “Half of her recovery is learning how to be disliked. Especially by the people she hurt. She understands.”

“Yeah I guess. How are you guys feeling about your big adventure?”

Tracker beams, “I’m really excited!” Their smile dampens a little, “I’m going to miss Kristen a lot, but I’m excited to find myself on my own. As my own person. I spent a lot of time being angry at the world, it’s time to fix it.” 

“Wow, that was deep, I’m just ready to get out of this town.” Ragh laughs.

The group laughs. 

Sam lets the smile linger, “So, I need to run to the bathroom, and I feel like the rooms change places every time I’m here, so can one of you Mordred natives point me in the right direction?”

Tracker grins, “Yeah, of course, it’s all the way down that hallway, last door on your left.” 

Zayn frowns, “Wha—?”

Ragh cuts him off as quickly as possible, “Yo, dude, did I tell you about my plans to…um…do a musical tribute to Goldenhoard?”

“What?” Sam and Zayn cry in unison.

Ragh shoos Sam off, “Don’t worry about it!”

Sam laughs, throwing her hands up, “Ok! Ok! I’ll be right back!”

She heads down the hallway hesitantly. 

This doesn’t feel right...I could have sworn the bathroom was in the other direction. Last door on the left? Alright. Tracker’s the expert. What are they gonna do? Lie to trick me into another room? That’s so stupid. Why would they do that? 

~~~

“Winnie! You did so good!”

“Adaine.”

“Sorry…I mean, that was very good, Aelwyn”

“Yes, that was very well done, darling. You’ve improved.”

“Thanks, mum!”

“Of course you looked a bit unstable compared to some of the other girls.”

“Oh, well I just started pointe, I’m the youngest-”

“And you were clearly the least flexible.”

“Well, I’m not naturally flexible so it’s hard-”

“And, you know, you’re a bit bigger than the other girls. They’re all so beautiful. Don’t you want to look like them?”

“I’m...I’m trying…”

“Good, you did well today, Aelwyn.”

“Thank you.”

~~~

In her small dance studio, hidden away in the back of the house, Aelwyn finishes their warmups and flat exercises and picks up her new pointe shoes. She hasn’t danced en pointe in so long. They can feel the new blisters from the shoes throbbing. The anxiety is back, the hands wrapping around her windpipe, tangling up her intestines. They take a deep breath, allowing the smell of the fresh varnish to wash over them. Shaking it off as best she can, Aelwyn laces up her shoes. 

Fig’s bass pulses through the house, Sig Figs songs blaring from the garage. They play their own music at parties, but I’m the narcissist.

Aelwyn mindlessly runs through their barre exercises, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. Focussing on finding their alignment in her body and not in the mirror, Aelwyn rolls up onto pointe. She can immediately feel how off she is. 

This sucks. 

Finishing up their exercises, Aelwyn steps away from the barre and finally forces themself to face the mirror. Immediately all she can see are the flaws in her body, her mother’s voice in her ear picking out every little problem. 

Aelwyn sighs and piques into an arabesque. Without even looking in the mirror, they can tell it’s wrong. Her lines are all off, she’s wobbly, her arabesque leg is too low, and her hands are so fucking awkward. Damn it. So much lost technique. They glance at themself in the mirror, and their eyes catch a pair that are not their own. 

She immediately feels herself start to fall forward and rolls down off pointe, stumbling a little as they whirl around to the door, "Fuck…"

Sam's eyes fly wide, "I'm so sorry!"

Aelwyn wraps their arms around her stomach, hyper-aware of how exposed her body is. "It's fine."

"I was looking for the bathroom, and I ended up here instead.”

The last time she’d seen Sam, Aelwyn had been apologizing for the events of the Kalvaxus plot. Why Sam would ever voluntarily talk to Aelwyn again is baffling, but she doesn't look uncomfortable. 

“Ah, yes, that happens." Aelwyn forces a smile, "There’s a lot of confusing rooms and passageways.”

“Yeah, it's a maze. I’m sorry I was watching, it’s just...your technique is beautiful."

"Oh," Aelwyn laughs awkwardly, "you don't have to lie to me." 

"I'm not!" 

She hears Jawbone in her head telling her to just take the compliment. But all they can think about is looking like their old self. The Aelwyn that Penelope liked. No. No, no, no. She feels her smile flicker and she has to fight to stop herself from putting on the mask again. 

"No, my technique is shit. That's what four years off dance will do to you."

Sam’s eyebrows shoot up, 'Four years? Wow, that's crazy. I couldn't tell.”

Aelwyn rolls their eyes, “Sure.”

Sam grins, “Seriously! If I took three years off dance I wouldn’t be able to touch my toes, let alone do nearly flawless balances en pointe." 

“You’re a dancer as well?”

Sam nods, “Yeah, I’m not much of a ballerina, though. I take ballet for technique, but I’m more of a modern dancer.”

“Modern is a beautiful style, I’ve never done it myself, I was only allowed to take ballet, but it’s very expressive.” 

"I love it. It’s so liberating.” 

“Mmm, I’ve always preferred the rules of ballet, personally, but I do understand.”

“I really am sorry for interrupting, though.” 

“It’s alright. I’m just running drills. Nothing important.”

“Well, I’ll just…” Sam gestures to the door but makes no moves to leave. 

“Oh, you don’t have to.”

Panic immediately floods over Aelwyn. Why...why would you say that? She doesn’t want to be here, and you don’t want her here. This is your space. 

“Really? You don’t mind?”

Aelwyn quickly shakes her head and turns around to the mirror, jumping the first exercise they can think of. 

Sam kicks her shoes off and sits down on the floor by the mirror. Aelwyn keeps their eyes trained firmly on themself, and yet those critical voices that usually come from examining herself like this are drowned out by the heat of Sam’s eyes on her and a loud roaring in her ears. However this distraction causes them to hop out of a few turns, and the voices start cutting back through. Failure, pathetic, not good enough. As they do, they feel their old self start creeping back, memories of her mum and Penelope, and all those shitty parties. The desire to be wanted takes hold. Even in this body. Especially in this body. 

She hears herself speak, “Would you mind partnering with me for a second?” They keep their eyes trained on the mirror, her heart thumping in her throat. 

“Oh, I’ve never…”

Aelwyn forces herself to look over at Sam. A light purple blush is rising in Sam's cheeks. Aelwyn's stomach flips. 

She smiles, performing their confidence, “That’s fine. I just need a hand.”

“Ok.”

Sam walks over and offers her hand tentatively. Aelwyn takes it and starts balancing, focusing on having someone look at them like this again. 

“Would you just-” Aelwyn moves Sam’s hands to her waist. 

Sam’s breath hitches, “Sure.” 

Sam stands behind Aelwyn as they slide their leg up to passé. Sam’s hands are barely touching her. She can feel that Aelwyn doesn’t actually need any support for this. 

Aelwyn begins to cambré, and Sam's hands tighten slightly on her waist. Aelwyn leans back until their face is inches away from Sam's. Their breathing synchronizes. Sam's lips are almost touching Aelwyn’s when a voice suddenly rings out from the doorway.

“There you are. We thought you got kidnapped.”

Sam gasps, her head snapping to look at the door. Aelwyn sighs and pulls up, rolling off pointe. She can feel Zelda's glare boring into the back of her head, but they just walk away from Sam, rolling their shoulders.

“You know, you’re lucky I’m the one who found you. If Ostentatia—”

“Oh my god, we don’t need to talk about this.” Sam snaps at Zelda, walking across the room to Aelwyn. “Thank you for letting me watch.” Fidgeting awkwardly, she glances over at Aelwyn’s crystal by the speakers. “Um…would you want to put my number in your crystal?”

Aelwyn smiles, forcing her fake confidence to rear its head again. “Yeah, sure.” 

“Wait, really?”

Hyper-aware of Zelda in the doorway, Aelwyn swallows the sarcastic remarks and just laughs, “Yeah, of course.” Aelwyn hands Sam her crystal. 

“Cool, um. Here you go! Text me! If you want.” Sam laughs nervously and hands Aelwyn’s crystal back. “Um…”

“Ok. I will.” Their eyes meet and it occurs to Aelwyn that Sam’s irises ripple like a pond disturbed by someone skipping stones. 

“Ok,” Sam finally breaks eye contact, inhaling sharply. “Well, um, I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Right, yes. Of course.” 

Zelda sighs loudly, rolling her eyes, “Like can we go? Or…?”

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” Sam grabs her shoes and rushes across the room to Zelda, grabbing her arm. Shooting one more smile over her shoulder at Aelwyn, “See ya!”

Before Aelwyn can respond, Sam is out of the room with Zelda, leaving them totally alone with their thoughts again. 

Well, fuck. What does it say about her that the second a pretty girl walked into the room she went full Penelope Everpetal? Damn. 

Taking a deep breath, Aelwyn turns back to the mirror, but immediately the self-loathing is so powerful it almost sends them into a full-blown panic attack. Screaming voices, her mother, Kalina, Penelope, their own. There is nothing to distract her, just the deep knowledge that she’s a bad person who not only has done horrific things in the past but is incapable of change. No matter what, she will always be a manipulative, cruel, coward. 

Aelwyn sinks to the floor, squeezing their eyes shut. Trying to keep her breath even, Aelwyn’s fingers fumble to undo their ribbons. She rips the shoes off, and as tears begin to well up in their eyes, Aelwyn teleports themself into her bed. The sounds of the party rage downstairs, but Aelwyn is gone, huddled in her bed, trying to drown out the vitriolic voices.

~~~

Hoot Growl 🏈🏳️🌈  
Monday, Oct 26, 5:34 PM

\- hey  
hey!  
\- can i ask u something  
ofc bro  
\- how ru ok  
\- like with dayne being dead  
\- bc i kno how bad penelope was but i can’t  
\- i still miss her  
im not really  
every day is hard because i did love him  
but you just have to keep trying because  
we cant keep letting them control us  
its ok to miss her because you loved her  
but we deserve to move on  
\- yeah  
have you seen anyone about what you went through?  
i can talk to jawbone about it if you want  
it really helped me  
\- i havent but i think i probably should  
\- id appreciate that ragh ty  
yeah anytime man

~~~

Zelda sighs, pulling Sam out of the room by her arm, “Ok, you really are lucky I’m the one that found you in there.”

Sam rolls her eyes, “I haven’t been gone for that long.”

“Yeah, but Ostentatia’s been looking for you.”

Sam’s smile slides off her face, “Oh, right.” She pauses in the hallway, “Well, I’ll go find her in a minute, but I need to go find the bathroom for real.”

“Oh, um, it’s down there,” Zelda points down the hallway in the opposite direction of the studio, “Second door on the right.”

“Thanks.”

Damn it, Tracker.

She pops into the bathroom quickly and then heads back into the party. She sees Ostentatia immediately, hanging drunkenly off Antiope, giggling. Sam sighs and heads over to them. 

“Hey, there you are!” Ostentatia cries excitedly. 

“Yeah, sorry, got lost looking for the bathroom.”

“I feel that, this house is crazy.”

“Yeah,” Sam laughs, “what did you need from me?”

“Oh, they’re doing karaoke, and I wanted to know if you wanted to sing with me!”

“That’s—” Sam sighs, of course that was all it was, “Yeah sure, I just need to go find Ragh really quick.”

“Ok! I’ll go sing with Dani! Come find me!” Ostentatia heads off deeper into the party.

“Sure thing.” Sam waves after her.

She looks around for Ragh, but her eyes land on Tracker instead. They appear to be in some kind of debate with Kristen, but you know what? They got her into this mess, so they are going to help her find Ragh. She storms across the room to Tracker.

“I am going to kill you.” Sam hisses.

Tracker grins and takes a swig of their beer, “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

Sam shakes her head, “I hate you.”

Kristen frowns, “Sam, are you ok? What did Tracker even do?”

“They trick—”

“I didn’t do anything!” Tracker cuts Sam off, laughing. 

Sam rolls her eyes, “Ok, fine. Whatever you say.” She looks around, “Where did Ragh go?”

Kristen gestures to the corner of the room with her beer, “He’s over there.”

“Thank you, Kristen. I’m glad someone can give legitimate directions around here.” Sam smiles sarcastically at Tracker.

They laugh and wrap an arm around Kristen’s waist, “You’re welcome!”

Sam heads over to Ragh, shaking her head. 

“Ragh?” Sam asks.

“Hey, where have you been?” Ragh booms, smiling widely.

Sam laughs, “I need to talk to you.”

“Oh, I’ve got this,” He takes his slatted sunglasses off and stares Sam in the eyes, earnestly if a little drunkenly, “You are so amazing!” 

“I don’t need a pep talk! Come on!” Sam grabs Ragh’s arm and starts pulling him away from the small crowd of people around him and towards an empty room. 

He stumbles after Sam, “Oh, ok, sorry.” 

“It’s fine just—” She closes the door, “I need to know something.”

“Ok…”

Sam takes a deep breath, “Is Aelwyn gay?”

“What?” Ragh laughs.

“I just need to know.”

“Is there a reason you’re asking me this, bro?” Ragh puts a hand on Sam’s shoulder. 

“Um…” Sam ducks her eyes.

“Like did something happen?”

“Mmm, ok, so I was going to the bathroom but I ended up in a dance studio or something and I didn’t even know there was a dance studio in this house but she was in there dancing, and I don’t even really know what happened, but there were vibes and then for like a split second I thought we might kiss, but maybe I’m totally making it up and I’m just really confused.”

“Was she flirting with you?”

“I don’t know! I think so!”

“How aggressive was it?”

Sam frowns, “What?” 

“Dude I’m trying to help.”

“Ok, it was pretty aggressive. Like not at first but then I almost felt like I was being attacked. But in a good way? It was confusing!”

Ragh narrows his eyes, “What was it like in the beginning?”

“I don’t know? Like she seemed super uncomfortable that I was there, and then I was going to leave, but she told me I could stay, so I did, and then all of a sudden she like completely changed.”

“She asked you to stay before she got all crazy?”

“Yeah, why? Is that a good thing?”

“Maybe.” Ragh pauses, considering, “It’s not a bad thing.” 

Sam smiles softly, “You’re not going to give me a straight answer, are you?”

“I can’t give you a straight anything, man.” Ragh laughs. 

Sam laughs in spite of herself, “Yay! Gay jokes!” 

“You know it!” Ragh puts an arm around Sam’s shoulder and opens the door, “C’mon.”

Ragh pulls Sam back into the party, but her mind lingers on the feeling of her hands on Aelwyn’s waist. She looks across the room at Zelda, sitting on a couch, talking to Gorgug. 

Sam walks over, “Hey, Zelda, come talk to me for a second.” 

Zelda looks up, then back at Gorgug, “What, like right now?”

“Please?” Sam pleads. 

Zelda sighs, “Fine.”

Sam pulls Zelda away from Gorgug and into the empty room.

“Ok, I’m asking you this because you’re my friend, and I value your opinion, and I would never want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable—”

“Wait, um, this is about Aelwyn, isn’t it? I mean, sorry, it’s probably not, I just—”

“How’d you know?” Sam cuts her off.

“Oh, um ‘cuz you guys were basically making out, and you blush like crazy every time she looks at you.”

“Oh.” Sam bites her lip.

Zelda shuffles anxiously, “I don’t know why you would, but if you really care about what I think, I think you should ask her out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I don’t think Aelwyn’s a bad person. I, um, I actually kinda like her. She’s a little crazy, and definitely a bitch, but I’ve forgiven her. And I think you should be careful, but if you really like her, I say go for it.” Zelda pauses, “I mean, Ostentatia isn’t going to agree, but I think everyone else’ll be ok with it. Besides, Aelwyn could always say no.”

Sam tilts her head, frowning, “Thanks, Zelda. I think.”

Zelda’s eyes widen, “No, wait, sorry, I mean, she might say yes too. I just—”

Sam grabs Zelda’s shoulders, “It’s fine, thank you.” 

“Ok, can I go back to my boyfriend now?” Zelda gestures to the door.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” 

Zelda heads back into the party, but Sam lingers at the edge, leaning against the wall, lost in thought. 

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” Katya asks, sidling over and leaning against the wall too. 

Sam looks up at her, eyes wide, “What? Why? Do I look upset?”

Katya doesn’t say anything, just smiles softly down at Sam.

“Shit.” Sam groans, “I was trying to be subtle about it.”

“What’s up?”

“I just had this moment with, and I know it’s a little weird, but with Aelwyn, and Zelda told me I should ask her out, but I kinda feel like that’s opening a crazy can of worms, and I can’t even really do that because I gave her my number so I have to wait for her to text me, and I don’t even know if she’s going to do that.”

Katya presses her lips together.

Sam looks away, trying to suppress a smile, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You want to know what I think?”

Sam thinks about it, but then nods.

“You worry too much. Like you said, you can’t do anything until she texts you, so why worry? It’ll happen, or it won’t. I say, relax a little. You’re not here to get a girlfriend, you’re here to celebrate. You just graduated. Have some fun for once!” Katya grabs a beer off the kitchen table, takes the cap off, and hands it to Sam. 

“Fine! You’re right!” Sam grabs the beer and takes a swig.

“I know.”

Sam wakes up groggily, head pounding. Ugh. She didn’t even drink that much. What time is it? She reaches over to check her crystal. Nearly two p.m.? That’s not good. Even worse? A message from an unknown number. She bolts upright.

575-4823  
1:49 PM

Hi, it’s Aelwyn  
\- hi!  
\- srry i just woke up lol  
It’s fine!  
You guys were at the manor super late last night  
\- yea  
\- did we keep u up?  
No, no.  
The Sig Figs practice at all hours  
I can trance through anything  
\- still must be annoying  
Oh, I don’t mind it  
\- well i was thinking

Sam takes a deep breath, bracing herself. Oh god. Is she really going to do this? She’s never actually asked anyone out before. Ok, just hit send. Deep breath, Sam. 

would u maybe want to go out sometime?  
\- yk so i can make it up to u for crashing ur rehearsal  
\- and invading ur house

This was a terrible idea. What if she says no? What if she doesn’t respond? Oh my god that would be even worse. Why do people do this? What a nightmare. Sam’s phone buzzes. Oh no. Ok, ok, it’s cool. Just read what it says. 

Sure, I’d love to

Sam lets out a breath of relief, realizing that her hands are shaking.

\- awesome  
\- can u do tomorrow  
Yeah, I almost never have plans haha  
\- cool  
\- i was thinking maybe we could do a picnic or smth  
\- im super good at making picnic baskets lol  
\- i do it for the maidens sometimes  
That sounds really lovely  
I did want to apologise a little for last night though  
\- nice  
\- y?  
I know I came on a little strong  
When I get nervous I tend to overcompensate  
\- oh its ok lol  
No, it was inappropriate  
But it won’t happen again

~~~

“If i’m going to do this, though, I have a condition.”

“Fine. What is it?”

“My sister is off-limits. She steals the book and then that’s it. If I see one of you even look at her, with the intention of putting her in one of those fucking crystals—”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Whatever. There’s plenty of loser freshmen we can use. Biz? You got that?”

“I mean, I don’t know who your sister is, so I don’t know if I could even—”

“Biz! We’ve been over this!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ok, ok! I can’t touch her sister or Sam!”

“Literally shut up! Well, Aelwyn? Happy?” 

“Who’s Sam?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Is she your girlfriend?”

“I’m straight.”

“Pfft, ok…oh god you’re serious.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. As long as you leave Adaine alone, we have a deal.”

~~~

Aelwyn shakes her head at themself in the mirror, “I can’t do this.”

“Why? You look great!” Ragh grins.

Well, that’s true. She’s wearing the binder that Tracker helped them buy and a floral sundress that apparently once belonged to Sandra Lynn, although she can’t imagine her even buying this dress, let alone wearing it. She does need to change their hair up soon though, it’s been natural for a while now and she’s been thinking about doing locs since they got all their hair chopped off after prison. She misses having long hair. But that’s not the point! The point is, this is terrifying. 

Aelwyn grimaces, “I’ve never...I’ve never been on a real date before.”

Zayn, who’s floating upside down in the corner of the room, flips around to look at Aelwyn, “Wait, seriously?”

“Yes, seriously, Darkshadow.” Aelwyn snaps.

Zayn’s eyes widen and he zips behind a rafter, “Woah, scary Aelwyn’s out.”

Aelwyn sighs, pinching the bridge of their nose, “No, it’s just…I’ve made out with people at parties and stuff, but I don’t even remember half of them, and an unfortunate amount of those people were men, so I feel a little unprepared!”

“Didn’t you guys basically already have a date though?” Ragh asks.

“What? No! That was not a date! I panicked!”

“About what?” Zayn asks, peeking his head out from behind the rafters.

“Everything! It was awful!” Aelwyn groans, sinking onto her bed.

Ragh smiles, “Sam said she had fun.” 

“Sam wasn’t in my head.”

Ragh grabs both sides of Aelwyn’s face, “Maybe you’re too in your head.” 

“Stop it!” They laugh, pushing his hands away.

Tracker walks into the room and gasps, “Aelwyn! Oh my god! You look great!”

“They’re trying to bail on her date with Sam.” Ragh says, folding his arms.

“What? No! You have to go!”

“Tattletale…” she grumbles under their breath at Ragh, before turning back to Tracker, “I can’t.”

Tracker sighs and takes Aelwyn’s hands, pulling them to her feet, “Ok, listen to me, one very sexy nonbinary lesbian to another.” 

Aelwyn snorts, smiling down at Tracker.

They continue, “You, Aelwyn Abernant, are going to go on your date with the girl you have a crush on, and you’re going to kill it.” 

Aelwyn sighs, “Thank you Tracker.”

“Get out of here, you look great, and you’re going to have so much fun.” Tracker shoves Aelwyn towards the door.

“Ok, ok!” They laugh and grab their purse, running out the door. 

She’s meeting Sam at the park for a picnic. Honestly, it sounds like a bit of a nightmare, but whatever. It’s fine. Pushing out of comfort zones is a good thing. Even if it’s very far out of the comfort zone. 

“Hey! Aelwyn!” Sam waves Aelwyn over, jumping up from a blanket.

“Hi!” Aelwyn waves nervously. 

Sam smiles softly, “Um, you look really pretty.”

Aelwyn laughs, “Thank you, so do you.”

“Do you wanna, like, sit down.” Sam asks, awkwardly gesturing to the blanket

“Yeah, right, totally.” They sit together, and start eating in awkward silence.

“So…” Sam breaks the silence, giggling a little. 

“So.” Aelwyn says, staring into Sam’s eyes. 

Sam tilts her head, “Tell me about yourself. How did you start dancing? And why did you stop?”

Aelwyn sucks in a breath through her teeth, “Well, that’s a kind of shitty story, why don’t you tell me how you started dancing first?”

“Ok, so I’ve been dancing since I was two. It’s where I met Penelope. We were in baby ballet classes together. And I loved it! As a kid I was in ballet classes, but mostly I was in Jazz and Musical Theater classes, because I was actually a child actor.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, local commercials and stuff mostly, but it was always my mom’s goal for me to be an actual successful actress. So, dance classes! Penelope wasn’t an actress though, she was a model. I think that’s why our moms became friends, they were both trying to get their daughters into the industry or whatever.” 

“Oh shit. I didn’t know Penelope was an aspiring model, but that tracks.”

“Yeah,” Sam laughs a little, “Well, I say our moms were friends, but they were kinda frenemies, because Penelope’s mom definitely looked down on my mom, but I was more successful than Penelope, so it was a whole thing. So we were in dance classes together for a while, but she quit when she started at Aguefort, and I wasn’t acting anymore, and it was way too expensive, so I did too. But I still loved dance, so after the Kalvaxus stuff, I decided to get back into it. Modern and Contemporary were the only types of dance that weren’t associated with Penelope, and I found myself again in it.”

Aelwyn nods and Sam gestures to Aelwyn, “Your turn.”

Aelwyn sighs, “Well, I also have a pretty complicated relationship with dance. My par—Angwyn and Arianwyn put me and Adaine in ballet classes as soon as we moved to Solace. It was a status symbol for them. Ballet was expensive, but it was also a really respectable thing for young “ladies” and it’s vaguely elven because it’s dance. So I was about 7 when I started ballet, and Adaine was about 4. Adaine immediately hated it. Everyone seems to think she’s a rule follower, but she’s absolutely not. She’s scared of being punished, but she hates following rules, especially rules she sees as unnecessary or unjust. I mean, an instrumental part of the Kalvaxus plot was getting Adaine to steal a book, if she didn’t, it wouldn’t have been possible, and Penelope was really worried about it, but I told her, there is literally nothing easier than getting Adaine to steal a book. Anyway, she didn’t mesh with ballet at all, and eventually she figured out that the best way to get out of it wasn’t to beg to stop, it was to embarrass Angwyn and Arianwyn. So every class she would act out until they pulled her from class.”

Sam frowns, interested, “Wow, yeah, Adaine doesn’t really like following rules now that I think about it, but she does freak out about it a lot.”

“She doesn’t like getting in trouble, she fears repercussions, but she’s also been punished so frequently for almost nothing, that she knows when it’s a calculated risk.” 

“Right...better to risk a brief punishment than years of dance classes she hated.”

“Exactly. But I loved ballet. I loved the rules, and I loved the expression. And it wasn’t all that easy. I’m not naturally flexible, all the other girls had already been dancing for years, and I didn’t speak common that well, but I loved it. And so I ended up spending literally all my free time stretching and practicing. It definitely started because I wanted to impress my mother, but I realized that somehow I was the most free in ballet class. Of course, ballet did give me a horrific eating disorder and magnified my dysphoria, it destroyed my body image, but that didn’t matter. I already hated myself, I just had more control. As toxic as ballet was, I had worked so hard, and I had found so much good in it, that I started to think about pursuing it professionally. I was still young, twelve or thirteen, but that’s when you have to start thinking about it. Of course I knew that my parents would never let me do it, so I needed to be subtle about it, and for a while I played it off as just wanting to become the best, which was up Angwyn and Arianwyn’s alley, but I slipped up. Right as I was going into Hudol. I don’t even remember what I said, but when I woke up the next day all my ballet stuff was gone.”

Sam’s eyes widen, “Holy shit.”

Aelwyn nods grimly, “All my clothes, shoes, old costumes, pictures. They acted like I’d never even done dance. I was devastated, but there was nothing I could do. I remember I found one picture, a picture of me and Adaine from right when we started dancing, and I treasured that picture. But I think it must have burned with the house.”

Sam puts a hand on Aelwyn’s thigh, “That’s awful. I’m so sorry.”

Aelwyn smiles slightly, “No, it’s ok. Well, It’s not, but I’ve made peace with it. Realizing that it actually happened, and how fucked up it was was really important for me. A big part of my recovery is realizing that Adaine wasn’t the only person Anguin and Arianwyn abused.”

Sam pauses for a second and then smiles, “Look at us, reclaiming dance for ourselves!” 

“Yeah!” Aelwyn shakes their head, “I can’t believe in all the times Penelope talked about you she never mentioned how you met.”

Sam looks up, surprised, “What do you mean?” 

“Oh, she talked about you all the time. Pretty much constantly. She never forgave Johnny for putting you in that palimpsest. She wouldn’t even talk to him directly after that.”

Sam raises an eyebrow, “Really?”

“Oh yeah!” Aelwyn leans back, “I was so jealous of you.”

“Why?” Sam asks, confused. 

Aelwyn shrugs, “Because I was in love with her, but she didn’t care about me. She was using me as a distraction. She loved you.” 

Sam pauses for a second and then bursts into laughter.

“What?”

“It’s so stupid. I was jealous of you! I felt like she never really liked me and in the end, she chose you. I cannot believe this whole time, she…I just can’t believe I wasted so much of my life pining after her. She never would have been with me. Not openly anyway, because she knew how I felt about her.”

Aelwyn smiles, “Well, from what I hear she’s living it up in hell.”

“Yeah. But enough Penelope.” Sam lies down, putting her head in Aelwyn’s lap, “You know, I really like you, Aelwyn.” 

Aelwyn smiles nervously, “I really like you too.” They card their fingers through Sam’s hair. 

Sam’s hair is so interesting. It feels wet to the touch, but it doesn’t actually get anything wet. When Aelwyn pulls her hands away they come back dry. 

“I, um, I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. I’ve had crushes but this is different. Coming out was a really hard experience for me, but it was worth it.”

Aelwyn shifts uncomfortably, “Mmhmm…” 

Oh no. The voices start creeping back into Aelwyn’s mind. 

Sam sits up, leaning over until her face is right by Aelwyn’s, “I really like spending time with you.”

Aelwyn’s gripped with a sudden paralyzing terror as Sam leans in. 

She jerks back at the last second, “Stop!” 

Sam’s eyes fly wide, “Are you ok?”

Aelwyn jumps up, grabbing her stuff, stumbling back, “I’m so sorry, I can’t do this.”

~~~  
Bestie 😘💕  
Thursday, Nov 13, 2015, 1:47 PM

Sam!!!  
Guess what!  
\- wut  
God I hate the way you type lol  
Anyway!  
Dayne asked me out to homecoming!!!  
\- wait really???  
Yes!!!!!  
At lunch!  
\- that's so crazy!  
I know!  
Guess you have to get a date now lol  
\- oh yeah, I guess I do  
\- we can still get ready together though, right?  
Of course, you know you’re the only one for me!  
\- ❤️❤️❤️  
Let’s talk boys later, k?  
\- ok

~~~

Sam arrives at Balthazar’s, head full of Penelope and Aelwyn.

“Hey!” Sam smiles, sitting down across from Antiope and Penny. They already have milkshakes and are talking about something on Penny’s crystal.

Antiope looks up at Sam, “Hey, girl!”

Penny holds up her crystal to Antiope’s face again, “Oh my god, look at this! I can’t believe some people.”

“Penny?” Sam asks, raising an eyebrow. 

Penny looks up, wide eyed, “Right, sorry, yes. Supportive friend time. What do you need?”

Sam laughs, “It's just, I've been kind of seeing someone. We've been on a couple of dates, nothing serious, but I just wanted to ask you guys about it.”

Antiope nods, “Shoot.”

Penny smiles, “Yeah, go for it.”

“Well, first off,” Sam takes a deep breath, “the person is Aelwyn Abernant.”

“I knew it!” Antiope exclaims.

“Shit!” Penny swears in mock frustration.

“What?” Sam asks, bemused. 

“I thought it was going to be that girl from that rogue elective you took.” Penny giggles. 

Sam frowns, “Oh, I don’t think she’s gay.”

“She’s absolutely gay, but that’s not the point.” Antiope says, looking at Penny.

“Yeah, Aelwyn, huh?”

Sam smiles, “Yeah, but I don't really know what to think about it. I mean obviously there's the whole her participating in the plot that got us all trapped in crystals for like a year thing,”

“Over a year for most of us.” Antiope mutters.

“Right, but I kind of thought that most of us weren’t actively mad at her still.”

Penny nods, “Yeah it's chill. Penelope’s the one who put me in that crystal.”

“I just really like her, and I'm a little nervous that other people aren't going to take it as well as you guys.”

Antiope frowns, “Yeah, I mean they probably won't. Zelda will probably be ok with it, but Ostentatia isn’t going to like it.”

“Right!” Sam says, pointing excitedly, “And I totally get that! She's entitled to that! It’s just complicated.”

Penny and Antiope share a look as Sam launches into an anxious rant. 

“I'm confused about that, and then I'm confused because sometimes she reminds me of Penelope, but most of the time she doesn't, and then I also don't even know if she even likes me.”

“Why don't you think she likes you?” Penny asks.

“Well, it's just that she'll open up and then immediately shut back down again, or freak out and leave. It’s happened like three times.”

Antiope frowns, “Have you talked to her about it?”

“No, and I'm not going to. I don't want her thinking that I'm weird.”

“I don't think it's weird to ask her how she feels about you.” Penny says.

“I don't know, I just don't want to be rude. I have a feeling it's to do with her family or something, but I don't know. My mind sometimes tells me that it's because she's just pretending to like me, and that she's messing with my head like Penelope.”

Antiope looks over at Penny and then back at Sam, “Maybe you should just take some time to think about it.” 

Sam sighs, “Yeah, maybe.”

~~~

“Woah, are you ok?”

“Fuck.”

“You’re crying.”

“No, I’m not. I’m...I’m fine.”

“Aelwyn…”

“I’m fine! Don’t...Ragh...please don’t tell Adaine.”

“Hey, I’m not gonna tell anyone anything. Do you just want to come calm down in my room? So you don’t have to be on the bathroom floor.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah. We don’t even have to talk or anything if you don’t want to.”

“...ok.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

~~~

Aelwyn sticks her head around the corner into Ragh’s room. Ragh rarely keeps his door closed unless he really wants to be alone. Currently, he’s in there talking to Ayda. He smiles briefly at Aelwyn and then turns back to Ayda, nodding towards Aelwyn, “You know, as much as I like talking to you, man, if you want to talk to someone who knows a little more about this, you might want to try talking to Aelwyn.”

Aelwyn takes a few steps into the room, “Hi, Ayda.”

“Hello, Aelwyn.” Ayda looks up, bright eyed.

“Do you want to tell me what you guys were talking about?” Aelwyn asks gently.

Ayda nods, “Yes, Ragh thinks it would be helpful.” 

“Is it urgent?” 

Ayda frowns for a second and then shakes her head, “No. I can wait. It’s about my gender identity. I’ve been confused recently.” 

Aelwyn chuckles, “Whew! Well, I have certainly got experience in that department! Well, I have something I’d like to talk to Ragh about, but if you want to talk about it later, maybe tomorrow or if you have to go back to Leviathan, we can talk the next time you’re here.”

Ayda nods matter-of-factly, “Yes, that sounds good.”

“Ok, are you done talking to Ragh, or should I come back later?” Aelwyn asks neutrally. 

“We’re done. Fig just texted me and told me she’s done practicing the song I’m not allowed to hear yet, so I’m going to go back downstairs.” Ayda smiles shyly. 

“Oh, you have a crystal now?” Aelwyn asks, grinning. 

“Yes! And Gorgug’s parents even helped me find this thing you connect to it that makes it work on Leviathan too!” Ayda’s eyes glow a little brighter in excitement. 

“That’s so exciting! Do you want my crystal number? Then if you want to talk to me while you’re in Leviathan you could text me or call me.” 

“Yes, that sounds like a good idea.” Ayda smiles wider. 

“Ok, great! Can I talk to Ragh now?”

“Yes. Of course.” Ayda stands up from the bed. 

“Talk to you later, Ayda.” Ragh says, throwing up a peace sign as she leaves.

Ayda waves and heads out to find Fig.

Ragh tilts his head to the side and smiles gently at Aelwyn, “So, what do you need, man?”

Aelwyn sighs, “It’s about Sam.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I’m worried.”

Ragh frowns, “Why?”

Aelwyn takes a second to collect themselves, “Well, first of all, every time we almost kiss I panic, I can’t—I’ve never been. This is just a very different thing than anything I’ve done before.”

Ragh smiles, “Dude, we’ve talked about this. It’s never going to get normal if you don’t keep trying. You’ll get there, you’ve just gotta give it some time.”

“I know, I know, but that’s not everything.”

Ragh says nothing, letting Aelwyn gather her nerve. 

A painful look crosses Aelwyn’s eyes and they close them,“We were talking and the way she was looking at me...I could just tell she wasn’t really seeing me. She was seeing someone else.” 

Ragh’s smile fades and a sad look crosses his eyes, “Penelope?”

Aelwyn says nothing, they just stare down at her hands.

Ragh sighs, “Look, you have no proof that that that’s what she was thinking, and even if it was—” 

Aelwyn shakes their head, “It doesn’t matter. I just don’t want her to look back on this and wish that it had been anyone else but me. She’s already had a shitty first crush situation, I don’t want to exacerbate that.”

“I don’t want to make it worse, but don’t you think it’s a little too late for that?” 

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you guys are already close. You’ve gone on a bunch of dates, and yeah, you haven’t technically kissed, but it’s almost happened a couple of times, and both of you have initiated it right?”

Aelwyn sighs, “Yeah.”

“She clearly likes you, but even if you stop her first real kiss from being with you, is it worth hurting her for?”

“I don’t know. I’m scared that if we do stick with it, she’s going to realize I’m like Penelope and regret it, but if I cut it off and hurt her, am I just proving that I am?”

Ragh smiles sadly, “I don’t think that you’re like Penelope.”

Aelwyn rolls her eyes, “Yeah, people keep telling me that.”

“Have you considered that maybe there’s a reason for that, bro?”

Aelwyn folds their arms, “All that tells me is that I’m a good enough liar to trick everyone into thinking I’m a good person.”

“Do you think you’re honest with me?” Ragh narrows his eyes.

“What?”

“Like when we talk. Are you pretending to be someone else?”

“I—I guess not.” Aelwyn stutters.

“Ok, well, I don’t think you’re like Penelope.”

“But—”

Ragh holds up his hand, cutting Aelwyn off, “I know that you had a super complicated relationship with her, but so did I, and even though we saw different sides of her, I know who she was.” Ragh leans forward and puts a hand on Aelwyn’s knee, “Aelwyn, you’re not a perfect person, and neither am I, but when I look at you, I don’t see Penelope, I see my friend.” Aelwyn nods, tearing up, “We’re putting the work in to be better, and yeah, sometimes we fuck up, but that’s part of recovery. We have to forgive ourselves.”

Aelwyn wraps their arms around herself and says quietly, “Ragh, would...can I have a hug?”

Without a second of hesitation, Ragh leans over and scoops Aelwyn into the type of crushing bear hug that completely smothers you, and Aelwyn bursts into racking sobs. 

Resting his chin on Aelwyn’s head, he mumbles quietly from his chest, “...you’re going to be ok...we’re going to be ok…”

After what could have been seconds or hours, the hug dissolves, and Aelwyn pulls back, wiping their eyes, “...thank you.”

“Aelwyn, you’re one of my best friends. I’m always going to be here for you, and I know you’d do the same for me. You have done the same for me. We’re going to get through this. Together.”

“Yeah. I know.” Aelwyn sniffs.

“All that aside, though, if you’re not ready for a relationship right now that’s valid as fuck, bro. You don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy, and if you’re not in a good place, maybe you’re not in a place for a relationship, and that’s ok. I’ve had a lot more time than you to work through this. You’ll get there.”

“Yeah, I just feel like half the time I’m around her I’m slipping back into my old self, and I don’t want to take that out on her. She doesn’t deserve that. She reminds me too much of Penelope, and sometimes when she looks at me...I know she’s seeing Penelope, and if I’m being honest, it’s so fucking triggering. I just don’t think it’s good for either of us right now.”

Ragh nods, “Yeah, and that’s fine, man. Just try and let her down gently. You know, you don’t have to be mean to cut someone shitty out of your life.” 

Aelwyn laughs, “Break up with her, but don’t be a bitch about it. Got it!”

“I don’t know, are you capable of not being a bitch?”

“Honestly, darling, being a bitch isn’t a personality trait, it’s a lifestyle.” Aelwyn grins.

Aelwyn gives Ragh a hug and heads back to their room. Adaine’s going to be out with Zelda all day, so she has the room to herself. They glance at their crystal. Only an hour until Sam gets here. Anxiety wrestles with her diaphragm. They set an alarm on her crystal for 45 minutes from now. They take a deep breath, close their eyes, and slip into a trance. 

Trancing is interesting. It’s not really sleeping. Adaine likes to do that sometimes, she says it connects her to her oracular abilities. It’s the ability to dream. Still, it doesn’t really seem worth it to Aelwyn. Too many nights Adaine wakes up screaming. There’s no dreaming in trance. There’s not really thoughts either. Just floating feelings and fuzzy images. Technically she’s not really supposed to trance when she gets anxious. According to their therapist it’s not a good way to process. She’s supposed to deal with it head on, but in emergencies, it’s a good way to calm down temporarily. 

The alarm goes off and Aelwyn gently slips out of trance. She sighs and drops off the bed. They bounce on her toes, stretching their arms over her head. She glances at herself in the mirror, they need to change. Dysphoria hoodie and giant sweatpants aren’t a good look for a date, even a break up date. 

They grab a pair of jeans and a large faded band tee and throws them on, pulling the top half of her hair into a messy bun. 

Ok, you can do this. 

The doorbell rings and Aelwyn teleports down to the front door. 

“Hey!” Sam smiles as Aelwyn opens the door. 

“Hi.” Aelwyn forces a smile, “Can we go upstairs?”

“Yeah, of course!” Sam follows Aelwyn up to the staircase to the tower room. She sits down on Adaine’s bed, but Aelwyn can’t. They pace anxiously, trying to come up with a script. Trying to get into a headspace where she can do this without feeling like the monster.

Sam frowns, “Are you ok?”

“Yes,” Aelwyn whirls around, “Of course. I just—” She sinks down onto the bed next to Sam. 

“It’s ok, it’s ok.” Sam puts a hand on Aelwyn’s knee, “Hey, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but it’s fine.”

Aelwyn shakes their head. 

“Come here,” Sam leans towards Aelwyn, but Aelwyn recoils away from Sam’s touch, grimacing. 

Sam’s smile droops a little, “We are talking.”

Aelwyn doesn’t look at Sam, “You know what I mean.”

Sam rolls her eyes but sits back, “Ok, what is it.”

Aelwyn takes a deep breath, loss of control so close to the edge, “I—I don’t think this is going to work.”

Sam’s lips tighten around the edges, “What?”

Nausea washes over her, but they steel themselves. “I just don’t think I can be in a relationship right now.”

Sam clenches her jaw, “Aelwyn…”

Aelwyn stares at her hands, “I’m sorry if you’re hurt, but I’m not there.”

Sam sighs, “Ok. I understand that,” she pauses, “but just tell me, honestly, is this because of Penelope?”

Aelwyn looks over at Sam, shocked, “What? I just told you—”

Sam stares hard at Aelwyn, “I heard the words you said. But you don’t even look like you believe them.”

Aelwyn’s jaw drops, “I—”

“Is this, in any way, about Penelope?”

Aelwyn shakes her head and looks away again, “Look, Sam, I don’t think I’m who you need right now.”

Sam gasps, “Holy shit.”

“I’ve seen it! When you look at me, you see her!” Aelwyn protests.

“That’s not true! And it’s not your place to tell me what’s fucking good for me or not!” Sam yells angrily.

“I just don’t want you so get hurt!”

“Are you planning on hurting me?” Tears well up in Sam’s eyes, but she blinks them away. 

“No! But you don’t know me, Sam! You don’t know anything about me!” Aelwyn shoves her fingers into her hair. 

This isn’t working.

“Yes, I do! I trust you!”

You know what you have to do. 

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t.” Aelwyn doesn’t look at Sam, their voice cooling. 

“Why not?” Sam asks earnestly, not picking up on the change in Aelwyn’s tone.

Aelwyn keeps her voice cold and hard, “You don’t know me. You don’t know who I am.”

“But I know how you feel about me.”

“Yeah? How do I feel?” Aelwyn disappears, swallowed up by the girl that used to live in this body. 

Sam shakes her head, “I know you like me.”

“Really?” A laugh comes from somewhere inside Aelwyn’s chest, but it doesn’t feel like it. They’re drifting away. 

“Yes, I see the way you look at me. Don’t try and tell me that you don’t have feelings for me.”

“I don’t.” Her voice is like stone, “I tried to let you down gently, but you know what, that’s enough. This has been a fun experiment, but it’s over now.” Aelwyn finally turns around, staring Sam down.

“How can you say that?” Sam tries to suppress her tears again, but it doesn’t work. Tears start slipping down her cheeks. 

“It’s true.” Part of Aelwyn wants to fight this, but if she comes back down now, Sam won’t leave. And she needs to leave. 

Sam inhales sharply, her breath catching in the back of her throat. She ducks her head, face flushing. 

Aelwyn folds her arms, “I think you should go.”

“Yeah, you know what? I think I should too.” Sam wipes her tears away angrily and rushes out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Aelwyn collapses, regret and sorrow and crushing disappointment sweep over her like a dam breaking. Choking sobs crash down, ripping at their chest and throat. Control. Get control. Now. 

Aelwyn claws at the door, pulling herself up by the doorknob, and yanking it open. They stumble into the hallway, blinded by her tears. They’re about to make it into the bathroom when Ragh grabs her shoulders. 

“Hey, hey, hey, stop! What are you doing?”

“Let me go.” Aelwyn says, tears still streaming down their face, and yet completely numb.

“Dude, what happened?”

Panic starts to rise again, and Aelwyn starts fighting against Ragh’s grasp, “Stop, please! Just let me go!” 

“JAWBONE!” Ragh yells down the stairs. 

“STOP!” Aelwyn screams, suddenly struggling desperately.

“I‘m sorry, bro, but I can’t.”

Jawbone rushes up the stairs, “Woah, woah, what’s going on?” 

“Ragh! Let me go!” Aelwyn starts kicking her legs wildly.

Ragh looks up at Jawbone, concerned, “Something bad happened, I thought they were going to hurt themselves. I didn’t know what else to do.”

Jawbone nods, calmly closing the bathroom door, and standing in front of it, “Ragh, I’ve got it from here, bud, ok?”

Ragh nods and lets go of Aelwyn, slowly heading downstairs. 

Aelwyn folds their arms, “I don't want to talk to you about this.”

Jawbone takes a step towards Aelwyn, “Ok, so, don't talk about it. But going in there isn't going to help.” 

“I'm so tired of this. I’m so tired of pretending like this isn't who I am. You can’t fix me!” Aelwyn yells, the lack of control becoming more and more obvious. 

Jawbone smiles softly, “I don't think anyone here is trying to “fix” you, kiddo. You know why that is? You're not broken. All we want to do is show you how we see you.”

“I hate myself.”

“Yeah, I know that feelin’ sweetheart, but look me in the eye,” “I love you. I'm going to keep loving you, and one day you're going to love you too. You just gotta give it a bit of time. But I promise you, whatever you think you're going to gain from doing this to yourself, it's only going to hurt you in the end. It’s not worth it.”

Aelwyn slides down the wall, “I’m spiraling out of control, I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“I can help you. But self harm won’t give you that control.” 

Aelwyn buries her face in her knees, “I know.”

“Come on.” Jawbone holds out his hand, helping Aelwyn up. 

“Thanks.” They sit down on Adaine’s bed together. 

Jawbone looks at Aelwyn calmly, “I'm going to ask you a question, and I need you to answer honestly. Can you do that?

Aelwyn sighs, “Yeah.”

“If I leave you alone, are you going to hurt yourself?”

Aelwyn squeezes their eyes shut, “There’s half a pack of cloves I stole from Fig under my mattress.”

Jawbone fishes the cigarettes from under the mattress, “Thank you.” 

“I already smoked some last night.”

“That’s ok.” 

Fig pokes her head into the room, “Hey, is everyone ok? I heard yelling.”

“Be more careful with these.” Jawbone tosses the cloves to Fig.

“Um, should I get Adaine?” Fig asks nervously.

“No.” Aelwyn says forcefully. 

“That’s ok, Fig, thank you.” Fig leaves, and Jawbone looks back at Aelwyn, “You should tell Adaine.”

Aelwyn laughs harshly, pulling herself up onto her bed, “Tell her what? That I’m a failure?” 

Jawbone sighs, “You are not a failure. You're in recovery. This happens all the time. Relapse is not the end of a journey, it’s part of the process. Adaine’s going through the same thing. Just not in the same way.” He stands to look Aelwyn in the eye, “She’ll understand.”

Panic swells in Aelwyn’s chest, “What if she doesn’t? What if—”

“She isn’t going to stop lovin’ you.”

“You don’t know that!” Aelwyn cries.

“Yes, I do.” Jawbone puts his hand next to Aelwyn’s but doesn’t try to touch her, “You’re not obligated to tell anyone anything, but this is what family is for.”

Aelwyn stares down at their hands.

“How about I call your therapist, see if she can do a session today, and you take a deep breath, try to center yourself, ok?”

Aelwyn nods, “Ok.” 

Jawbone squeezes Aelwyn’s hand and leaves the room, leaving the door open. Aelwyn hugs their knees into their chest and she lets herself drift into trance. 

~~~

Bestie 😘💕  
Mon, Sept 1, 2018, 6:09 PM

Sam  
Please call me back  
We’re not done talking about this  
\- 🖕  
Sam, I’m sorry but you can’t hang out with Johnny  
\- fuck you  
It’s not about me controlling you, you can have a boyfriend  
\- i don’t care!  
Please  
\- this actually isnt about me  
\- u cant make up ur mind and im over it

I know I’m sorry  
We can do something together tomorrow  
\- no  
\- im done being ur toy  
\- im going out with my boyfriend tomorrow and theres nothing u can do about it 

~~~

Sam hasn't stopped crying since her friends got here. She hadn’t even realized how much her relationship with Aelwyn had meant to her. She’d just finished telling the story of how Aelwyn had broken it off with her. The girls are all gathering blankets and sappy movies and ice cream, trying to comfort Sam. All except Ostentatia, who’s pacing, seething, and Danielle, who’s trying to calm her girlfriend down. 

“Honey, it's ok, you don't need to be in a relationship right now.” Antiope says, stroking Sam’s hair gently.

“I'm going to kill her.” Ostentatia growls.

“No you're not.” Katya says, shortly.

“Sit back down, Ostentatia.” Zelda mumbles softly. 

Ostentatia shakes her head, “She hurt Sam, and we're just ignoring that?” 

Penny glares at her, “We're not ignoring it, we're just focusing on helping Sam and not hurting Aelwyn.” 

“You know what, I don't really think I need to listen to any of you. You've been hiding this from me, and then she hurts Sam, and we’re all pretending like it doesn't matter. If you just told me, none of this would have happened.” Ostentatia yells.

“This is exactly why we didn’t tell you!” Antiope yells back.

“It’s Sam’s choice.” Katya scowls.

“Hey, I know this is complicated, but maybe let’s drop it for now.” Danielle pleads, taking Ostentatia’s arm.

Ostentatia shakes Danielle off, “Sam, I love you, but you should have known that this was going to happen. Of course she was just using you, that's what she does.”

Sam swallows hard, “That's not true.”

“Are you kidding me? Were you not listening to the story you just told?” Ostentatia cries, outraged. 

“I don't think she’s a bad person.” Sam whispers.

“Are you kidding me? You really are going to the ends of the Earth to defend somebody who just hurt you like this. She's just like Penelope.”

“She is not like Penelope!”

“Really, Sam? Because what you just described sounded a whole lot like something to know if he would do.”

“You don't know anything about Penelope. She may have pretended to be your friend for a couple of days, but she was actually my friend. I knew her. None of you knew her like I knew her. And Aelwyn is not like her. Yeah, what she said sucks. It really hurts. But what I need right now is for you to be supporting me and not tearing down someone who I still care about.”

Ostentatia folds her arms, “No, I'm going to show you exactly how like Penelope Aelwyn really is.” She storms out.

“Don't listen to her sweetheart.” Antiope says, squeezing Sam’s hand.

Penny nods, “Yeah, let's just focus on having a classic seven maidens break up sleepover, ok?”

“Are you going to go after her?” Sam asks Danielle.

Danielle, shakes her head, “No, she’s mad, and I don’t blame her, honestly. I’m mad too, but she’ll get over it. You need me more right now.”

Sam nods, “Then ok.”

The girls gather around Sam, smothering her with love, and Sam tries not to think about what Ostentatia is planning. 

~~~

“Aelwyn, you should come over after school!”

“Oh, I can’t. I have ballet.”

“You always have ballet, you should skip.”

“I really can’t. My parents...I just can’t.”

“Ugh, you’re so boring!

“Next time though!”

“Sure, Aelwyn. Next time.” 

~~~

The studio is cold, but Aelwyn folds at her hips, wrapping their hands around their ankles and pressing her head against her shins.

“Hey, why are you in here?” Aelwyn looks up at the doorway to see Tracker leaning against the doorframe, “Party’s soon.”

Sam’s hosting a goodbye party for Tracker and Ragh. They’re leaving in a few days.

“I’m not going.” Aelwyn sighs, rolling up and bouncing on their toes.

Tracker raises an eyebrow and folds their arms, “Yes, you are.”

Aelwyn shakes her head, “I can’t go. It’s at Sam’s house, and I can’t talk to her after what I did. Plus all the maidens hate me.”

Tracker laughs, “Ok, no offense, because I know you’re going through a lot, but this isn’t about you. You should come because Ragh and I are leaving, and you’re our friend. We want you there. Also the maidens don’t hate you. Only like one or two of them hate you. Maybe a couple more now, but Zelda likes you.”

Aelwyn rubs their face, “Helpful.”

“Please come.” Tracker pleads.

Aelwyn throws up her hands in defeat, “Ok, fine, but only because I like you.”

“Yes!” Tracker gives Aelwyn a big hug. 

They get ready and Aelwyn reluctantly follows the gang to Sam’s, her heart beating in her throat. They head down to the basement, and she puts on her show face, making sure to hold it neutrally when their friends start to mingle. The room is full of joy and friendship, but she can feel the judgement in the room. They try to tough it out, but she can feel her friends dancing around her. It’s all too much. They slip upstairs, sinking down onto the couch in the living room. She sits in the dark, mind swirling.

Fabian’s voice rings out from the doorway, “I’m pretty sure the point of going to a party is not to sit alone in the dark.”

“I shouldn’t have come.”

“Well not if you were just going to mope about it.”

“Is this supposed to be helpful?” Aelwyn asks, looking up at Fabian.

“Yeah, actually. You need to stop feeling bad for yourself.” Fabian walks over and sits down next to Aelwyn, putting a hand on her knee, You were an asshole, so what? I’m an asshole all the time, people still like me.”

Aelwyn laughs, “Oh my god, you’re the worst.”

“But you love me.” Fabian sighs dramatically and stands up, holding out a hand to them. “Dance with me.”

Aelwyn laughs a little, wiping away her tears. “What?”

“Let’s dance. C’mon.”

The music of the party drifts into the room. Aelwyn smiles waterily, “I hate you.”

Fabian just rolls his eyes and grabs Aelwyn’s hands, hauling them to her feet. “Let it all out, c’mon!”

He pulls her arms back and forth in time with the music, she laughs, giving in. They goofily dance around the dark room, bumping into the coffee table. Fabian picks Aelwyn up and twirls them around. She laughs, and as the music transitions into a slow ballad, they fall into step, swaying gently together. Aelwyn pulls Fabian into a tight hug. 

He smiles softly, “We’re gonna be ok. We’ll get through it.”

Tears spill down her cheeks again and they nod. “Yeah, thank you.”

“You’ve been there for me. You’ve helped me figure so much out about myself, I’ll be there for you if you need that. And that’s a lot coming from me.”

Aelwyn laughs and hugs Fabian again, “I love you.”

He pulls back and smiles, “I know.”

Aelwyn laughs and playfully shoves him away, "Fuck off."

"You sure you don't want to come back to the party?" 

Aelwyn shakes her head, "No, I'm going to go home, but I do feel much better."

"Alright then!" He stands up and walks to the door, but before he can leave, Aelwyn calls out to him one more time.

“Fabian?”

He turns around, “Yeah?” 

Aelwyn looks up at him, “Do you think it’s too late to apologize?”

He pauses for a second and then shrugs, “I don’t know, maybe. But it doesn’t hurt to try.”

Aelwyn nods, “Yeah, I guess, thank you.”

“Anytime!” Fabian smiles at her one more time and then leaves to rejoin the party.

~~~  
Ostentatia 💎  
Tuesday, Jun 21 11:35 PM

i just dont think shes good for you  
\- i kno but i think ur just not giving her a chance  
why should i  
she trapped me in a fucking crystal for months  
\- ik no ones saying u have to forgive her  
\- but shes not evil  
if you say so  
\- i just think yr being a little unreasonable  
\- i didnt say anything when u were dating skrank  
omg it is so not the same  
\- really cuz i knew skrank was a player and i told u that  
\- but when u said u were still into him i let it go

shes literally just like penelope sam  
\- u didnt even kno Penelope  
\- u dont kno what she was like  
\- dont act like u do  
fine

~~~

Ostentatia has been knocking on the door for what feels like hours. She hasn’t stopped texting her since the party last night. Thank god her mom is out of town. Sam groans, and leaves the warm blanket and her bed, and yanks her front door open angrily.

Ostentatia looks up at Sam, “Sam, I know you're mad at me, but I just want you to hear me out.”

Sam turns and walks into the house, letting Ostentatia follow, “Why? Are you here to apologize? Because if you're not, I'm not really interested.”

Ostentatia shakes her head, “No, I have something to show you.”

“If it's about Aelwyn, I'm not interested. I'm trying to move on.” Sam storms into her room and flops back down onto her bed.

“I think this will help you.”

“Really? Or is it just going to make me more upset about it because I'm not interested in that, Ostentatia.”

“I understand, I shouldn't have reacted like that. I was worried about you. You're my friend, and it hurts me when I see other people hurting you. You would have done the same thing in my position. You did! You were so good when the whole Skrank thing was going on. I was just trying to return the favor.”

“Sure.”

“And yeah, I don't like Aelwyn, and I don't understand why you do, but I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help.”

“How would this help?”

“I think it’ll help you see that moving on is the right thing to do.”

“That’s already what I'm doing.”

“But is it what you want? She was at the party yesterday.”

“Yeah, and we didn't talk. She's really close with Tracker and Ragh. It would have been inappropriate not to invite her.”

“Just hear me out, ok?”

“Fine.”

“Watch this.” Ostentatia holds out her crystal, a video of Aelwyn and Fabian slow dancing.

“What is this? Was this during the party?” Sam asks.

Ostentatia nods, “Look, clearly she and Fabian are back together. She's moved on. Didn't she tell you that you were just an experiment anyway?” Sam fights back tears, and Ostentatia continues, “It's not worth your tears. You deserve better.”

“I can't believe this.” Sam murmurs.

Maybe she did mean those things. Maybe she is like Penelope.

“Ostentatia, thank you for showing me this, but I kind of want to be alone now.”

Ostentatia nods slowly, “Sure, I'll see you later.” She gives Sam a hug and leaves.

Sam curls herself into a ball, pulls the blanket over her, and tries to disappear. Time loses all meaning. She hears her phone buzzing but nothing matters to her.. 

~~~

“C’mon Aelwyn, don’t be a buzzkill.”

“Mmm, see the thing is, I’d kiss you, but then your boyfriend would murder me for being a lesbian, so…”

“He wouldn’t have to know.”

“Penelope, I’m sorry Sam got put in that palimpsest, but you’re not going to use me to distract you from your guilt.”

“This has nothing to do with her. I’m drunk, and we’re having a good time.” 

“I don’t think either of us are having a particularly good time.”

“Ugh god! You’re so annoying! You act all high and mighty like you’re not just as insecure and broken as the rest of us!”

“Oh, sweetheart, I am so much more insecure and broken than you could ever imagine. I’m just better at hiding it than you.” 

~~~

“I’m confused.” Kristen whispers, frowning.

Fig tilts her head, watching Aelwyn, “I didn’t even know Aelwyn could cook.”

“Me neither.” Adaine says, tone hushed.

“Maybe she's possessed.” Tracker jokes.

“I heard that!” Aelwyn calls over their shoulder. “You know, if you’re going to talk about me you could at least come sit with Ragh and try my food.”

“So, are you possessed?” Kristen asks genuinely, sitting down at the island.

“Nope. I’m cooking. I do this sometimes.”

Adaine frowns, “When have you ever cooked anything?”

Aelwyn smiles sadly, “I used to cook all the time.”

“What?” Adaine looks genuinely betrayed. 

Aelwyn nods, “Yeah, in the middle of the night mostly.”

“Why?” Fig asks, playing with a salt shaker.

“Well, I’d be studying or devising evil plans for world domination” Ragh snorts, but Aelwyn keeps going, deadpanned, “and I’d get hungry so I’d go make myself food.” Aelwyn turns to stare the girls down, “I like it. It’s productive and relaxing.”

“Relaxing?” Fig asks, incredulous. 

“Look, Fig, I know you don’t have to try at magic, but you can’t just expect to be good at things without putting in the work. No one ever taught you to cook, so you have to learn. It’s like anything else. For example, I couldn’t just pick up your bass and start playing it. I’d sound awful, just like you burn everything you touch. But you weren’t born knowing how to play the bass, you worked at it.”

“I guess, but I am kinda naturally musically gifted.”

“Cooking’s easy.” Aelwyn grabs some plates, “I’m not a teacher, but I’ll help you if you want to learn.”

Fig smiles, “Seriously?”

“Yeah. Kristen’s not going to do it, and at this rate you’ll burn the house down. And I kinda like it here.”

“So that’s it? You just feel like cooking?” Tracker asks.

“I’m trying to do something nice, and this was the first thing I thought of.” Aelwyn sighs, “Look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but I’m tired of being coddled. I’m an adult, and if I want to get better, I need to actually do things, not just sit back and let you guys give me stupid pep talks and bad advice.”

Ragh raises an eyebrow, “Oh, so you hate my pep talks all of a sudden? Right as I’m about to leave too. Harsh, bro, harsh.”

“No, sorry. Being nice is hard. Being mean is so much easier. Your pep talks are wonderful, but I need to do things.” Aelwyn puts some of the food on everyone’s plates and then leans against the counter, “This is for me. It’s pretty much exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. This isn’t part of a breakdown. This is progress. It’s good.”

“Seems good to me.” Ragh says, devouring the food.

Aelwyn laughs, “Thanks! I’m feeling pretty good actually. Dance, cooking. It’s all coming back to me, but it’s even better this time. Although, I’m just realizing I’ve never made this sober, and I’m not convinced it’s as good as I thought it was.”

The front door slams open and a raging Zelda whirls in.

“What is this?! Huh?!” Zelda storms up to Aelwyn and shoves her phone in their face. It takes Aelwyn a second to adjust and focus on the screen, but she frowns, confused, as they recognize the video. It’s of her and Fabian dancing at the party. 

“What? What the fuck are you talking about? Where did you get that video?

“You know Sam’s really upset! She just came out, and she’s really insecure, and—”

A cold wave of horror washes over Aelwyn as they realize how Zelda has clearly interpreted the video. 

She groans, trying to cut the enraged satyr off, “...Zelda—”

“—it’s so mean to use her like that!”

“Zelda!”

“I can’t believe I was defending you!”

“ZELDA!”

“WHAT?!”

“I AM LITERALLY A LESBIAN!”

“WHAT?!” Kristen’s jaw drops.

Tracker sighs and puts their hand on Kristen’s back. “I mean yeah, babe, like obviously.”

“YOU KNEW?!”

“...Kristen, yeah.”

“You know I didn’t think I was being that subtle about it, but you all look like I murdered a bunch of kittens or something!” Aelwyn rolls her eyes at Kristen and Fig, “I don’t want to hear either of you say you have good gaydar ever again.”

Adaine frowns, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why do you care?” Aelwyn folds their arms confrontationally, “It could be one of any number of reasons and they’d all be fine! I’m not obligated to tell anyone.”

“I know, but it makes me feel like you don’t trust me.”

“Ok, but that’s not my problem. No offense, Adaine, but making sure you’re aware and comfortable with all my labels is my last priority right now. I don’t even know that I’m comfortable with all my labels, I’m just trying to stay alive and in recovery. Me coming out actually isn’t about you.”

“That’s not what I meant…” Adaine mumbles.

“I know,” Aelwyn continues, a little more gently, “But it’s what you were doing. I am proud of my identity, but I don’t even know who I am. I think it’s fair for me to want to figure that out, both alongside and outside of that identity, without needing to justify it to other people.”

“I know, but you can trust me! You can trust us. We’re here for you. We’re your friends.” Adaine reaches to touch Aelwyn’s arm, but they recoil, taking a step back.

“Sure, but maybe I’d be more inclined to trust you guys if I didn’t have to out myself to prove to you that I’m not interested in Fabian. We’ve both said that we’re just friends multiple times, but shit like this keeps happening.” Aelwyn gestures to Zelda’s phone, “I am just starting to regain some semblance of self. I still need time.”

Adaine, Fig, and Kristen all nod somewhat sheepishly.

Aelwyn laughs, “Also I definitely shouldn’t just be friends with my sister and her highschool adventuring party.”

The girls nod, “Yeeeaaaahhh…”

Ragh smiles at Aelwyn, and genuine confidence fills Aelwyn for the first time in a very long time. Maybe this coming out thing is good.

“Ok!” Aelwyn claps her hands together loudly, “It’s out in the air now, so while we’re at it, I’m also nonbinary and my pronouns are she/they. Now! I’m going to go apologize to Sam.”

~~~

Aelwyn  
2:12 PM

Hey, can I come over?  
I need to talk to you.  
\- y  
\- u said enough  
I know, I’m so sorry.  
I was wrong, but that video isn’t what you think it is.  
\- ...fine  
\- but dont expect me to forgive u  
I understand.

~~~

Sam stares down at her phone, she's been staring at it since she got Aelwyn’s message. Honestly, she's not really sure what she wants to come out of this, but not talking to Aelwyn has sucked. The doorbell rings, and Sam looks up, drawing in a long, slow breath. Ok.

Sam opens her front door, and stares at Aelwyn, silent.

Aelwyn smiles sheepishly, “Hi.”

“Hi.” Sam sighs and opens the door wider, “Come in.”

“Thank you.”

Aelwyn follows Sam to her bedroom. Sam sits down at her desk and folds her arms. Aelwyn sits down on the bed. 

Sam narrows her eyes, “Ok, talk.”

Aelwyn nods and launches into their apology, “I’m sorry. I know that’s not even close to enough, but I just wanted to open with that.” “I'm not going to lie to you, I am not a good person. And I fucked up. I'm learning how to let people be close to me, but it's really hard.” 

Sam stares at Aelwyn, unspeaking, but relaxing her posture a little.

Aelwyn continues, “I was worried that if you got closer to me you would realize who I really was you would get hurt. And I was worried about myself. I was worried you’d leave me. So I overcompensated. I pushed you away before you got the chance to leave me yourself. I know that I hurt you and I'm so, so sorry for that. However, that video is not what it looks like. I'm not dating Fabian, that would be super weird, honestly.” Sam laughs, and Aelwyn smiles and adds, “Oh, and I'm also a lesbian.”

Sam nods, “Me too.”

“I know.” Aelwyn smiles and then gets serious again, “I didn’t really let what we had turn into anything, but whatever it was, it meant a lot to me. I really like you, Sam. And I totally understand if you don't want anything to do with me, but I didn't mean what I said. You mean a lot to me. I just lost who I am in who I was. In what everyone always wanted me to be. But I don’t want to be that anymore. It’s time to move on.”

Sam looks down at her hands, “You know, I actually admire you, Aelwyn. I know how much you've been through, and I actually think you're really brave for trying to move on the way you have been.” She stands up and walks across the room to sit next to Aelwyn, “What you said the other day hurt a lot, but I I knew you didn't mean it. I've done the same thing. You were trying to tell me how you felt, and I got mad and I didn't listen. So you panicked and handled it the way that you used to handle things. And I am not trying to say that it was my fault, I know it wasn't, but I wasn't exactly helping.”

They look at each other, all the potential hurt and tragedy mixes with the potential joy and love. Nothing’s ever easy. 

Sam sighs, “I really like you too, but my relationship with Penelope was really awful. I don't want to go through that again.”

Aelwyn nods earnestly, putting her hand over Sam’s “I know, and I would never want you to either.”

“We're both still finding we are and recovering from some really traumatizing stuff. Being in a relationship is probably not a very good idea.”

“Probably not.” Aelwyn agrees.

“But you know we don't have to put any labels on anything.”

A small smile creeps across Aelwyn’s face.

Sam breaks into a smile, “We could just see what happens”

Aelwyn looks deep into Sam’s eyes, “Do you really want that?”

Sam nods, “Yeah, but only if you think you’re up for it.”

“It’s not going to be easy.”

“I know, but nothing is.”

“Ok, but let’s make a deal, if either of us tries to call it off, we call it off. No questions asked, no fighting, we just trust that it's what the other person needs.”

Sam smiles, “I think I can be down with that, but on one condition: neither of us is allowed to try and break it off for the other person or as punishment for themselves. It has to be because they're genuinely not ready for it themselves.”

Aelwyn smiles softly and sighs, “That sounds fair. I’ll try my best.”

“Great, let’s do it.” Sam laces her fingers with Aelwyn’s, “The two of us, moving forward together.

Aelwyn laughs gently, “Ok, well in that case, what do you want to do first?” 

~~~

“But why?”

“You can’t dance forever Aelwyn. You have to grow up.”

“I will, please! Don’t take this away from me.” 

“Enough. It’s done.”

“No! I was just joking, it’s just a hobby! Please!”

“Aelwyn! ENOUGH! What if Adaine heard you? You’re crying like a child. Get up. I expect better from you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re heading to Hudol now. You need to focus on your studies. There is no time for silly dreams or dances. Pull yourself together.” 

“Yes, mother.”

~~~

It’s a bright summer day, and the sun streams through the skylight of the dance studio, filling the room with soft warm beams. The room is filled with life and energy, no longer a place to hide. The once lonely room is now full of cozy energy, each corner illuminated brightly. Laughter and chatter rings out through the room, reverberating off the mirrors, as Aelwyn dances to an audience of one.

Aelwyn tucks the tails of her pointe ribbons under themselves and stands up, starting their ankle warm ups. Sam is sitting by the mirror, watching Aelwyn. 

She smiles, “Watching you do this is so peaceful.”

Aelwyn nods, “It’s always been a force of peace in my life, even in the chaos of home and my adversarial relationship with Adaine, It was always a quiet place.”

Sam smiles, sitting in comfortable silence with Aelwyn.

After a while, Aelwyn breaks it with a question. “So, how does everyone feel about this? 

Sam raises an eyebrow, “About us dating?”

“Yeah.”

She sighs, “Well, Katya definitely likes you less now than she did a week ago, but I think she’ll come around.”

Aelwyn grimaces, “Yeeeaaaahhhh…I really fucked up on that one, huh?”

“A little. But it’ll be ok. The rest of the maidens like you. Zelda and Penny were rooting for you the whole time.”

Aelwyn a harsh laugh is ripped out of Aelwyn’s chest, “Zelda? Really?”

Sam grins, “Yeah! I mean she’s really defensive of us, and when she thought you’d been using me, she went after you, but she and Penny were defending you when everyone else was against us.”

Aelwyn frowns, “I’m not sure if I even want to know this, but what about Ostentatia?”

“What about her? I told her that it's totally understandable that she doesn't like you, and that you get it. You know, that no one is gonna force her to hang out with you. Just that dating you is my choice, and I asked her to respect that.”

“And is she ok? I really don't want you to lose a friend for me.” 

“I mean not really, but she’ll come around. Or she won’t. But I’ve had enough people trying to tell me how to live my life recently. It’s my choice, no one else’s.”

“Yeah...I understand.”

Aelwyn finishes their ankle warm ups and moves to center. She starts doing her pointe balances and glances over at Sam. Sam is sitting in the corner, criss-cross, watching Aelwyn with a look on her face that Aelwyn has never seen before. No one has ever looked at them like this before, and it’s terrifying and intimidating, and yet her heart has never been more full. She smiles slightly, and though they have never been more stable on their leg, she raises an eyebrow at Sam, “Would you mind partnering with me for a second?”

Sam’s eyes widen and a smile slowly creeps across her face, “Oh, I’ve never really done it before.”

Aelwyn smiles and extends a hand towards Sam, “That’s fine. I just need a hand.”

“Ok!” Sam stands up and takes Aelwyn’s hand. 

Aelwyn arabesques, holds it for a second, and then comes back to passe. 

“Would you just—” Aelwyn moves Sam’s hand to her waist.

Sam giggles and moves to stand behind Aelwyn, placing her other hand on the other side of their waist, “Sure!”

Aelwyn smiles at Sam in the mirror, and Sam holds her waist a little tighter. Aelwyn cambrés, leaning all the way back until their face is once again inches away from Sam's. Sam sighs lightly, her eyelashes fluttering. Their breathing synchronizes. That look in her eyes so close to their own makes Aelwyn dizzy. Their lips are almost touching, and then suddenly, without either of them consciously broaching the gap, the distance is closed, and it’s beautiful. All the tension and pain and joy of the past few months is poured out into each other, and as Aelwyn pulls up and rolls off pointe, her cheeks are wet with tears they didn’t even know she’s been crying. They turn around to face Sam. She reaches up and wipes away Sam’s tears, pressing her forehead to Aelwyn’s.

She whispers softly, “It’s ok, it’s going to be ok.”

And for the first time in a long time, Aelwyn holds a true glimmer of hope in their heart that it might just be ok.


End file.
